While jogging mostly walking this morning, I couldn’t help but think about that scene from Anchorman, you know the one:

Mainly, I think about this because anyone that watches me uncomfortably move forward, plodding like the fat kid in gym class, probably thinks I’ve never actually heard of jogging. Or is it Yogging? Still, my stupid face is going in a small loop near my house:

I call it “THE ALMOST TRIANGLE OF HELLFIRE”, and yes, I yell when I say it…this is AMERICA, bub. I do what I want.

To me it’s harder than sneaking up on Superman and slapping his penis.

Anyone with half a working sense of self control over the years would call it: “A light, 1.5 mile jaunty little fun walk”, or “something my 2 year old could do”.

After going to work for a few hours, I hit the YMCA for Noon Hoops for the 3rd day in a row as my “other workout besides the jog”. I’m pretty much the best basketball player up there. But um, don’t tell anyone, in fact, don’t even mention it to them, they all get like, totally jealous of my mad skills ‘n stuff. Whatever.

I do have one story from Noon Hoops today that I think is worth sharing:

Actual conversation I had with Ricky Dunfee today after a game in which I was very winded, and he was going to do his 3rd hour of workout whatevers (he is ridiculously in-shape):

Ben: “Ricky, let me give you one piece of advice. Don’t ever get fat”

Ricky: “I’m trying not to, pimp” (he’s 22ish)

Ben: “Good, here’s what I want you to do. If you ever think about missing a workout, just go to my Facebook and look at my picture.”

Ricky: “Which one?”

Ben: “ANY of them, it will remind you of what happens when you don’t workout and instead, eat like shit all the time. In fact, I want you to look at the picture, and then ‘like’ the picture so I know that you were there, you saw it, and that you are, in fact, on your way to the gym.”

Ricky: “Ok, man”

I was obviously joking around there, but I came to the realization that my Facebook photos could actually be a cautionary tale for some 22 year old, ripped up, athletic dude.                  CRAP.

Also, how funny would it be if I logged back on Facebook for the first time in 30 days and it said “Ricky Dunfee has ‘liked’ 53 of your photos”. I might die laughing, or from horrible, horrible shame.

Moving on.

I called up the local animal shelter to ask if I could do some volunteer work for them as part of my agreement to volunteer twice in this 30 day stretch.  Jane is the lovely woman who runs the place, and is going to allow my happy ass into her fine organization a few times to ply my trades as dog whisperer. I’m like a white Cesar Millan, only better.

“Hey Cesar, Ben said he’s better than you”

Not only did she offer me a chance to volunteer, she ALSO gave me a book to read! How sweet she is! She gave me something she said I “might be able to get through”……Clifford the Big Red Dog. She literally handed me the book. I have it in my possession and just to spite her, I’m counting it as my first book of the month.  Ok, ok, I’m not really. But, man that was a very nice burn, ma lady!

Pictured: Clifford Drinks Kristi’s Green Blend

It was really, REALLY difficult not to drink something other than water today at dinner. My mother makes really tasty chicken parm, and I wanted some milk like you would not believe. Other things you may not believe include UFO’s being real, and Tony Parker actually being fouled. If you don’t watch the NBA Playoffs you probably won’t get that last reference to Tony Parker flopping horribly every game, and I’m actually ok with that.

I am really starting to miss Facebook as well, because I 100% enjoy bumping into people in daily life, and having them tell me they enjoy my status updates or that they laughed at something I wrote. It always makes my day. I didn’t give up Twitter though, but I rarely use it.  I think I’m going to try to write more jokes there, because once again this is my thing and I’ll do what I want. How’s the juggling coming?

So follow me (not in real life, don’t be creepy), @benkonowitz.  Here’s one of my favorite tweets:

I remembered the kiwis for the green blend today, they make a HUGE difference. The last time two small round objects made that big of a difference, my dad got my mom preggers. I also took my green blend with me today for the first time. I feel like my travel mug is better than yours:

Bacardi Lemon pitchers make great travel mugs

I wanted to count the fact that I did NOT punch someone in the face when they said today’s NBA stars would beat the Dream Team “easily” as my random act of kindness today. Thankfully I pulled over and checked on someone that may have been broken down on the side of the road to see if they were ok.  They were fine, I knew you were wondering. You are a big softie at heart, you know that?

So that’s day three, overall everything is still really f*cking hard

Recap:

  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS)
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) I WILL NEVER LIKE RUNNING.
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS) although it was not morning, it was afternoon again.
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS)
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS)
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (PENDING)
  13. Read one book every week. (PENDING) I GUESS CLIFFORD DOESN’T COUNT
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS)
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I caught myself a few times but immediately stopped AGAIN so I’m counting it a win
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)
Comments
  1. Kelly says:

    #1- This blog is awesome (and hilarious)
    #2- I want to receive a compliment/fun fact text messages one of these days!

  2. Holmquest says:

    I am thoroughly pleased to see that you are refraining from self pleasure, My suggestion will take you to the celibate enlightenment you have always hoped for.

  3. DeannaC says:

    Volunteering at a pet shelter is going to be heart wrenching. I don’t think I could hack it. Funny that I’m saying that and my profession is surrounded by death and dying. Why don’t you try your hand at Bingo at a local senior center. The elderly would love you and the company…I can garuntee this. That would be your 2nd volunteer option for the month 🙂

  4. Have you considered the ol’ “two stones, one bird?” You could listen to audio books while you stomp around your triangle in the morning.

  5. abbyhacker says:

    Nice post! Did you know in Indy you have to PAY to volunteer at the humane society?? Cray.

  6. Michelle B says:

    Keep it up, Ben! This blog is hilarious. I saw a hot guy jogging on 18th street yesterday around noon….was that you?!?

  7. Laura Demmon says:

    Awesome job Ben! Ur blog cracks me up!!

  8. Bethany F says:

    Does eating your mom’s tasty chicken parm count as your cheat meal for the week? BTW I’m loving this blog. And I like to think you won’t TOTALLY hate yogging by the time the month is over, as long as you keep it up!

  9. almartinez84 says:

    this is awesome ben i look forward to reading this everyday very entertaining makes me want to try something like this but i know i would fail lol

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