I’d like to start today by mentioning that if you actually would have spent a half an hour every day from my first post until tonight’s post trying to learn to juggle. You would have invested two and a half hours, and I’m guessing you’d probably be starting to get decent at it. LEARN TO JUGGLE!….
Or bake, or knit, or play poker, or practice your Kama Sutra with puppets. The point is, if I’m doing this crapola for 30 days, what could YOU do for thirty days?
No one ever looks back and says “Wow, really glad I didn’t gain a new life skill this last month. I’m already perfect.” Well, stupid ass-bag narcissists say that. Are you a stupid ass-bag narcissist?
So today’s conversation is brought to you by papa bear Konowitz.
Tim: (Upon learning that I gave up or added 19 things this month) *looks up from his computer* “So all your friends got to chime in with different things for you to do?”
Ben: “Yeah, that’s right”
Tim: “Why didn’t I get to do that?”
Ben: “Do what?”
Tim: “Give you something to do.”
Ben: “Ok, I’ll add one just for you”
Tim: (deadpan) “Be on time for work” *looks back at his computer*
Granted, if you don’t know my father, that’s probably not that funny. However #20 shall be, “Ben shall be on time for work”. To be fair to me, I’m never really that late. I bring my dog Larry to work with me, and he pees outside before we go inside and then I clock in. So yes I clock in between 8:00 and 8:05 pretty much every day I’m at work. So now it’s a fat round 20 things for the rest of the 30 day stretch.
Speaking of fat, round things. I had my cheat meal tonight at Buffalo Wild Wings. IT WAS HEAVEN ON A PLATE. There was plenty of Bacon. I’ve said this before, but just to catch you up if you didn’t know: In my life Bacon is always capitalized, because to me, it’s a proper noun.
COMPLETE TANGENT: I’ve been trying to write this post for about 2 hours, however I’m at my parents’ house this weekend watching their puppy while they do bath salts and inject each other with the polio vaccine down in Indianapolis*.
*may not be accurate itinerary for their trip to Indianapolis.
Here is all I know about the pup Stella:
1. If you leave her by herself for more than 30 seconds, and she is not in a crate, she will poop on the floor.
2. She is ridiculously adorable.
3. She is just as confused by dubstep as the rest of us. Keep in mind I have no idea how to edit a youtube video, so please! Just click play on this until you get the idea (45 seconds is pretty much all you’d need) and then move it along. It’s not one of those videos that gets super cute towards the end. It’s just Stella responding to Skrillex.
Moving on again…
I’ve decided I need to keep better track of what the hell I’m doing every day so that I don’t screw this all up and feel like more of a dumbass than I already am. I made a checklist *NERD ALERT*
Let it be known that I’m like poop robber, I’m taking this shit seriously.
Ok to be fair that joke would have worked better if it was “I’m taking this shit, seriously.”
eh, they can’t all be winners.
So anyway, I’m becoming a little better at the green blend…but man I swear my stomach is still not 100% used to me ingesting broccoli. I’m getting the measuring down to one solo cup of shame:
Random thought while texting my friend Kelly tonight: I’m going to be saying “ma lady” (meh lady, whatever) on July 3rd, my beard will be full and bushy, my hair will be scraggly and longer. That easily ups the awkward quotient by like 22.1%.
That should be fun and I think I should try to get it on video.
The random act of kindness today was to donate 10 dollars to Meridian Title Corp. for “Alex’s Lemonade Stand” .
I’m also watching Stella for the weekend. Yikes. Ohhhh yeah, I almost forgot! I Can’t wait to wake up before 8am on a Saturday. SHIT. I would rather french kiss an electrical socket. I know the weekends are going to be the hardest part of this stupidity, so stay tuned for tomorrow’s post, I’ll probably break down and touch my no-no fun zone.
So that’s day five, everything is still really f*cking hard, but BDUBS cheat meal made it not so hard.
- Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
- Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS)
- Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) I WILL NEVER LIKE RUNNING, EVER EVER
- Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS) although it was not morning, it was afternoon again.
- Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
- Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
- No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS)
- Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
- Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS)
- No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
- Complete one project around the house every week. (SUCCESS)
- Volunteer two times somewhere. (PENDING)
- Read one book every week. (1/2 bitching out with the first one being an audiobook)
- Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
- Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS) Noon hoops baby!
- No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I caught myself a few times but immediately stopped AGAIN so I’m counting it a win
- Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
- Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)