My awesome friend Alyssa May in Boston, MA texted me this morning to make sure that I was up. I actually was. That’s two days in a row on a weekend that I was up before 8am and not because I was still up drinking from the night before. To give you an idea of how I feel about that, let’s go to Chris:

Thanks Chris.

I didn’t even try to convince the wee puppy Stella to come with me on my jog this morning. Also, I walked. I walked the whole time except for the last 1/4 mile. I jogged that much so I could say that I jogged. The jog is by far the most hated part of my day. I would choose to stay abstinent for another month if it meant I could quit jogging.

Speaking of the abstinence portion of this resolution blitzkrieg…

I’m having more sex dreams now than before. It’s like my brain is trying to get me to fail this one. Stupid brain, I can’t wait to douse you in alcohol in July.

Ben: July 3rd, 6pm

Speaking of alcohol. I would have LOVED a beer today. It was like 400,000 degrees. I bet that’s a record for this time of year.

Instead of drinking a beer and doing absolutely nothing today, here’s what I did:

That’s about 3 hours worth of work. You know what would have been really awesome after that?

ONE ICE COLD MOTHERF*CKING BEER

At least now I have hardwood. But enough about waking up this morning… HEY-O!

I also knocked out the rest of Adam Corolla’s book while I was laboring in the sweatbox of what will soon be my master bedroom. So two birds and all that shit. I personally enjoyed the parts of his book that were autobiographical, not so much his yelling his opinion about things for 2 hours. If all I had to do was yell my opinion about things to perfect strangers in order to be a famous comedian…shit, let’s get Benny some beer and a microphone!  No offense, Adam, I know you are a huge fan.

THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS SUPER BORING SO FEEL FREE TO SKIP IT:

My random act of kindness today was to play super long with the Stella instead of just locking her up in her crate and going about my day. I’ve decided the criteria for the random act of kindness is as follows: If I would have done it anyway it doesn’t count. So no holding the door for someone or answering some random person’s question about where the bread is in the grocery store. I’m a decent enough person that I would do those things normally. I feel like it should be something I wouldn’t normally have done. The donations are a good one. Normally I think “Pshhh dying cancer kids? What have they ever done for me.” So today I thought about it and I would have normally just left Stella in her crate for the morning, but I made sure to take her out and get in some good play time with her.

START READING AGAIN IF YOU SKIPPED THE ABOVE PARAGRAPH:

Yesterday and today I rode my bike as my second workout of the day, (although I sweat sweated swat poured so much sweat out of my body doing the floor work I should have just counted that. Good word I’m stupid)

Here’s the thing about a 260 pound man riding a bike hard for the first time in 2 years. My butt hurts. It’s sore. It’s painful. It aches. My legs are spent, they hurt, they are sore, they need rest.

It’s like I tried to outrun the sodomy ghost for an hour, and didn’t quite make it.

Sodomy ghost: patent pending all rights reserved TM.

I stole that last joke from my own twitter account, @benkonowitz

Tangent time!

In the original joke I just used “rapist” instead of sodomy ghost. I like sodomy ghost better. What I’m doing here is high brow stuff, obiously. I hope no one from the New Yorker is reading this…they might just offer me an editorial position and I’d have to take time off from blogging. You’d miss me. Did you decide to take up juggling yet?

ok we’re back…I didn’t think my hair was going to grow this fast.

Wow that’s probably in the top 10 of creepiest photos I’ve ever taken. I’m sure there are 9 more than I could easily find on Facebook, however I’m not on Facebook. It’s a shame I don’t get to put something copied and pasted as my status for an hour to show people how much I care about their causes, how will they ever know now? I bet all my crops are dead too.

So that’s day seven, everything is still really f*cking hard.

Recap:

  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) It’s a walk/jog. I’m resigned to that fact.
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS) although it was not morning, it was like 4pm
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS) Got a weird look.
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS) It’s getting harder. Get it?
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (PENDING)
  13. Read one book every week. (1 of 4 SUCCESS)
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS) My ass hurts.
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)
Comments
  1. Liz Latini says:

    Ben I feel your pain about being sore from working out i went on a 9 mile hike today and i am literally amazed i can even stand up…woof! keep up the good work, oh and stop having dreams about me! 🙂

  2. ashley joy says:

    Two things. First, for all the things you have to complete everyday I don’t understand how you have so much time to make everyone laugh from your blog. 🙂 And second, Im really, really, really excited to see your full beard….. 😉 Keep it up silly man!!

  3. Michelle says:

    OMG this blog is cracking me up! The montage music and sodomy ghost…too funny. And I completely relate to the biking complaints. But jogging, c’mon! Don’t you feel amazing getting all that blood and those endorphins pumping?

  4. Liz Latini says:

    touché benjamin, touché to an excellent retort. sorry about that, it happens when i sleep walk ill try to get it under control.

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