That’s my friend texting me this morning.  That’s what I did this morning. I read that, I typed that horribly misspelled that, I got the time wrong. Bottom line: I had no idea what the f*ck was going on. The only thing I could think to voice my frustration was: “BALLS”.

I’m staying at my parents’ place taking care of their puppy and I thought it would be a good idea to take her with me on my morning jog.  I mean, she was already up, and she wasn’t about to make me some mother flippin’ pancakes.  Even though I asked her nicely! Jerk dog.

So we started out the back sliding glass door and into the yard to get back to this nice little scenic walking/running trail that my parents have never used once but is directly behind their property. I started to get a little happier because I thought to myself, “this is a beautiful morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I’m up early, I just looked into the mirror and told myself this was going to be a good jog, everything this morning is coming up Ben.” Stella and I get to the edge of the grass and then this:

Jerk Dog

Ok full disclosure, I didn’t have my phone with me this morning so this is an old picture of Stella doing the thing she was doing when she was doing it this morning…I hope that clears things up for you. I also hope that at least one person saw this picture and thought: “Ben is not wearing proper running shoes, maybe that’s why he doesn’t like to jog.”

So I tried to get her nice and amped up about going to a walk but she literally laid like this for 3 minutes and pawed at my hands when I tried to turn her over. Cute, yes. Productive, No.

100% TANGENT CITY: I am currently rocking out at a high volume to Eddie Money’s “Take Me Home Tonight” Holy shit this song should not be pumping me up this much right now. Well done Mr. Money. Back to today:

So all if this happened before 9am on a Saturday morning. I still am having trouble wrapping my dumb head around that. I took the stupid dog into the house and did my little stupid jog and then I went to work for about 4 hours.

While I was there I decided to make a to do list.

I went AFTER it today.

Here’s what I ended up with.

Ben Konowitz: Master of Photoshop

Turns out I’m a damned psychic because #12 absolutely will be crossed off as soon as I type this sentence.

I went to tear up the carpet this afternoon from my hallway…guess what? No hardwood floor under that bad boy. So I’m having the people come refinish my floors Monday. So my house is going to look pretty good with all that sweet, sweet hardwood flooring completely refinished.  So in order to see how amazing the bedrooms look, all you have to do is walk through the hallway of forest green carpeting. Oh well, maybe I’ll just make it a hallway of hot coals.

“Hey can I use your restroom?”

“Sure it’s down the hall.”

“Down the hall of hot coals?”

“Yes”

“I can hold it”

No pee pee on my toilet seat. It’s a win! Anyone know a good hot coal guy?

Get it?*

Today’s random act of kindness was to change my dad’s tire. I woke up this morning and it was flat. I really hope the spare doesn’t go flying off when he drives it. I might feel like I was somehow responsible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s a fun fact. Did you know that if you store a mountain bike for 2 years without riding it, you have to put air in the tires? What kind of bullshit is that? Back in my day bike tires were made of wood and men wore a nice hat to the ballpark.

So anyway, I drove to K-Mart to get a tire pump and in the parking lot I passed two of the biggest (literally and figuratively) white trash ladies I may have ever seen. I said “meh ladies” and did the little hand gesture as I passed them. One looked me dead in the eye and said “watd’ju say ta mey?” with a half pissed off, half curious intonation. I said nothing and kept walking, I didn’t want to get eaten.

Tonight I’ll be signing off with a thank you for reading this blog. I look forward to writing it every day because I can’t watch porn. Thanks for thinking it’s funny sometimes.  I know my parents had everything to do with my sense of humor.  I received this text from Indianapolis and the wedding they are attending:

I rest my case. Keep juggling.

So that’s day six, everything is still really f*cking hard, but keeping myself busy today really helped.

Recap:

  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) BOOOOOO
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) Stella doesn’t like running either.
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS) although it was not morning, it was afternoon again.
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS) Almost got eaten.
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS)
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (PENDING)
  13. Read one book every week. (1/2 bitching out with the first one being an audiobook)
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS) Bike riding is not only for pussies anymore, since I’m doing it.
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)

*that was supposed to be a joke because I had no segway into the next topic…get it…you see it’s a picture of a segway machine, but here’s the catch…there’s a LINE through it like a no smoking sign! So it’s like NO SEGWAY…and I didn’t have a segway in a literary sense so…pshh yeah it works on so many different levels, I know that! I’m basically a comedic genius and you should all pray to me instead of your God.

Comments
  1. Your no segway joke took me a little bit and then made me laugh. Good job today!

  2. mommyest09 says:

    You’re going to have to keep writing after this month. Very entertaining.

  3. Alyssa May says:

    Yay for fun facts!!

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