I Googled “I hate jogging” today. It got 6,130,000 results. Then I typed in “I love jogging”. It got 34,300,000 results.
What is wrong with you people.
Homer Simpson is going to sum up today’s effort level given to the jog:
I want to point out that I’m absolutely not knocking running. *Cough, Luke in the comments, Cough*
What I do is not running. What I do is barely a bipedal movement. If I showed up to run with any of you actual runners, I would literally make it 1/3 of a mile and I would need to stop. That’s not me trying to be funny. That is fact. I’m just not a runner. I weigh 263 pounds. Granted, I have lost 12 pounds since I’ve started this nonsense, but I’m still no where near where I need to be. Here is a list of things that are more likely to happen before anyone says “Who? Ben? Yeah, that dude is such a good runner.”:
- Carlos Mencia winning an award for being the most original comic of the past decade.
- You juggling bowling pins.
- Charles Manson being released from prison.
- Charlie Sheen quitting drinking.
- Bing overtaking Google as the #1 search engine.
- A Wayans brother winning an Oscar.
- Ice Cube becoming a credible rapper again.
So again, not slamming running.
I also went to Noon Hoops and played basketball for 48 minutes. (the games are timed, I’m not keeping my exercise log down to the minute like some kind of weirdo) Afterwards, I was crossing the street, this happened:
*Van slows down, woman leans out the window*
Lady: “Where’s village hall?”
Ben (walking over to her): “I don’t know of a village hall, do you mean city hall?”
Lady: (very snarky) “I don’t know, I’m not from here”
Ben (at the van now seeing a piece of paper in the woman’s hand): “Well lets see here”
Ben (reading the parking ticket in her hand and seeing ‘City Hall’ at the bottom): “Oh, there we go, City Hall, yeah it’s right back that way, one block on your right”
Lady: “Ugh” *drives off*
Ben: ( as the van pulls away) “You’re welcome, meh lady!” *hand gesture*
I think she confused me with the officer that wrote her the ticket, because she was really, really shitty to me, although I was trying to help her. What I should have said was, “Oh, the nearest elementary school is two blocks that way, you obviously need to learn to f*cking read.” I gave her the benefit of the doubt, after all, she was in town to pay a ticket, that would suck.
I was thinking, “I guess I can count that as a random act of kindness”. I get into my car, pull out of my parking spot, and find myself directly behind the woman who had gone down and turned around to head toward City Hall. Then she passed City Hall. She got stopped by the next red light, with me directly behind her. I really did have an internal debate about getting out of my car to tell her she missed it. “This woman was really shitty to me, why should I help her twice? Screw her, right? Yeah, screw her!” So I got out of my car and walked up to her van, told her she missed it and pointed directly at the building. She muttered “thanks”, and drove off. That’s the most random of all the random acts of kindness I’ve done so far.
I can’t wait for July so I can tell people like that off. I’m going to call it “Public Service Acts of Kindness”, where I lay into people in a verbal barrage that makes them realize they are being horrible people.
Once again I have no transition to my next topic, so here’s a picture of the best invention ever:
I’ve been very good about texting 5 people everyday with a random compliment/fun fact/or oddity. Two things about this…
One: I made today’s about Portugal, because according to my WordPress stats, someone from Portugal has been reading my blog everyday. AWESOME.
Two: on the whole, men and women react quite differently to being texted random fun facts.
Here are two examples:
I know the differences in reactions are subtle, but I think if you try hard, you’ll be able to figure out which text message is from my friend Keith, and which one is from my cousin Kristen. (It would be badass if Kristen’s was on the bottom now that I think about it)
So I volunteered at the Small Animal Shelter today from 4:15 to 5:30. I took out 5 dogs and got them some exercise in an enormous fenced in area next to the building. It was by far the best part of my day. All 5 dogs were awesome and I really hope they get adopted. Two out of the five could sit, and give me their paw on command, so someone just lost them or abandoned them. I’ve convinced myself that these dogs are all just lost for the time being, because the thought of someone abandoning a dog makes me just…
annnnywho, on a more positive note, check out this big majestic sonofabitch!
That’s a St. Bernard. The only name this dog is allowed to have by law, is Zeus.
I was having trouble getting him to leave that fence, because there were tiny dogs on the other side of it that he was very interested in. So I got his attention and started running, he started running too, and for one fleeting moment, we were two kindred spirits lost in a moment of pure joy. I didn’t even realize I was full out sprinting, and that should say something about how amazing that moment was. Then I slowed down and he didn’t.
It took 15 minutes to finally get him to come over to me, we both got some cardio in.
Here’s a crappy slideshow of the rest of these amazing dogs. I will say that I know one thing that I promise on my future adorably chubby newborn son. I will be volunteering once a week to do this until I can’t walk. I already told the wonderful head honcho…head honcha because she’s female? that I would be doing it every week from now on.
I dare you not to say awww:
After I did the volunteering, I went to play some basketball outside with some friends, I was exhausted but it was still so much fun. Shout out to Ryan Panos for hitting the game winner and allowing me to go home to watch the Thunder beat the Heat tonight.
The outdoor court does not have a three point line on one end, so I brought some chalk and string, and boom, three point line. I should have done that tomorrow. Wasted a perfectly good random act of kindness.
Let it be noted that my brain really is falling apart by doing all this. I make sure to write everything down at work, often times in more than one place, just so I can stay on top of my game on the clock. I swear when I’m not at work, and I’m not contributing somehow to this June challenge. My brain turns to a similar substance to that which I picked up today while volunteering. That was a long winded way to say “shit for brains”, but we all had fun with it.
That’s me running out of gas on the way to the animal shelter. I just plain forgot to fill it up. I actually ran back to the office to get the gas can and the pickup truck. So technically, I ran/jogged A LOT today.
Here’s a fun fact for you: If you leave your car on to play music for one hour while you are playing basketball, your battery will die.
Two car problems in one day. I guess that’s what happens when you do nice things. I’m going to kick an infant in July and probably get to make out with a supermodel. Your move, karma.
P.S. I added a fourth of a green pepper to my blend because I still don’t have any Kale or Spinach. MISTAKE.
I just realized this is probably my longest post to date. I’m not going to check it for spelling or grammar errors. You don’t mind right?
So that’s day nine, everything is still really f*cking hard. But those dogs man, they rocked.
- Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
- Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
- Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
- Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
- No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
- Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
- Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS) It’s getting harder. Get it?
- No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
- Complete one project around the house every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
- Volunteer two times somewhere. (1 of 2 SUCCESS)
- Read one book every week. (1 of 4 SUCCESS)
- Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
- Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS) Too many today.
- No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
- Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
- Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)