I think this stuff is taking a toll on me:

Day 14

approx. day 1

What do you guys think?

Ok, ok you got me. That’s not what I look like right now, it’s only how I feel inside. I actually look much worse.

I don’t have a weekend job, so I don’t have to spend my morning drinking cup after cup of coffee while being super productive, or at least faking productivity… or whatever it is weekend workers do in the morning.  I don’t have kids, so I don’t have to make sure they eat breakfast, or make sure they aren’t huffing paint…or whatever it is parents do in the morning. I don’t have a wife, so I don’t have to talk about my feelings,  or go to Bed Bath and Beyond, or have tons of sex…or whatever it is married people do in the morning. My dog would sleep until 2pm if I let him. My windows in my room are blackout dark. It’s dead silent. When the calendar has a day in which syllable number one is Sat or Sun, I literally have nothing that would require me to wake up at any point during sunlight hours. It’s a wonderful thing.

Do you know what this month did to that perfect feeling? CRUSHED IT. Made it disappear faster than logic at a political debate. Made it shrink away faster than a boner in church. Made it vacate the premises faster than a 20 year old at a frat party when the cops show up. Made it go away faster than you wish these f*cking puns would.

Bye-bye perfect feeling. You were better than Bacon beer sex. Side note, I have no idea what Bacon beer sex would be…but those are my favorite three things in the world, so I’m guessing it would be the only thing comparable to the perfect feeling.

You know what I replaced that perfect feeling with?

Falling out of a kayak. Twice.

He’s a big dumb animal, folks

My friend Kelly and I went kayaking. Correction, Kelly went kayaking, I went swimming. I had to go back to shore to dump more water than you’d find in an average kiddie pool out of my kayak both times. If I had any shame I might have felt some. I did get the hang of it after the second time I flipped that glorious bastard over though! Don’t tell Kelly but I’m just totally used to ocean kayaking. It’s just so much different, ya know? With the sodium-ph vector balance and the white cap formulas I’m used to, plus I forgot a bunch of other super scientific covalent ionic breeze coefficients I normally use. Maybe my super athletic and perfectly balanced body wasn’t ready for the ridiculously placid lake water. Or something.

Thank you Kelly, for putting up with me today. We did get to kayak across the lake and back eventually. It was a lot of fun. I’m going to find a used kayak on Craigslist and go more often. It’s great exercise, and fishermen look at you funny. SCORE!

After the ‘yakin’ (that’s what the cool kids call kayaking, duh), I went over to my house to put the furniture back in place now that the hardwood floors are done. I don’t care if you don’t want to see pictures of it, you’re damn well going to. I’ll make you a deal. If you have been practicing juggling, you can skip ahead to after the pictures of the house. If you haven’t been practicing, look on in amazement:

hallway before

hallway after

living room before

living room after

I’m really glad you’ve been trying to learn how to juggle so you didn’t have to waste your time on that shit.

SO…It’s kinda becoming more than just a house, I just have to find time to put in the stripper pole. Then it’ll be a home. My parents helped out a TON at the house today, and I feel like I’m their random act of kindness everyday. At this point in my life it’s safe to say I will never be able to repay them for everything they’ve given me over the years. I think they are alright with that though, and that’s what makes them so bad ass.

Speaking of random acts of kindness (holy shit a segue!!), I was sitting at a red light at 7:20 well aware that I had yet to do my random act for the day.  I was about to Google it on my phone to get some inspiration, when the light turned green. I put down my phone and started driving and I passed a guy walking on the side of the highway. I had just passed a McDonald’s about a mile back and this guy was wearing the uniform, so even my dumb ass was able to put two and two together. Obviously this guy had just dressed like an employee to rob the place and I needed to hit him with my car. Ok, maybe instead of that, I turned around and pulled up to him and asked him if he wanted a ride home. He looked relieved and said yes. His name was Chad, and it was about 2 miles more to where I dropped him off. He told me he worked 11 hours that day. He walked 3 miles to work and was about to walk 3 miles back. I went kayaking, worked on my house, played basketball, and was going to pick up Buffalo Wild Wings and watch the NBA Finals. This dude worked 11 hours and walked there to do it. If that doesn’t give you perspective on how good your life is, you are a lost cause, jughead.

I did live the good life today, with the exception of landing awkwardly on some dude’s foot during my basketball game. Now I’m hobbling around like Verbal Kint.

Verbal Kint

If you haven’t seen the Usual Suspects, just press pause on your day, and go get it. I’d tell you if it was on Netflix or not, but I can’t go there this month. So it looks like you’ll have to do this one on your own. Bottom line, I’m icing my ankle and I probably will be walking tomorrow and not jogging. Drat! I was so looking forward to jogging. Looks like I’ll be breaking the jogging thing first. We’ll see tomorrow…

So that’s day fourteen, everything is still really f*cking hard, and swollen. NOT an abstinence joke. Get your mind out of the gutter, creep-o.


  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS)
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS)
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS) It’s getting harder. Get it?
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (3 of 4 SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (2 of 2 SUCCESS)
  13. Read one book every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS)
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS) CHEAT MEAL WAS SOOO GOOD TODAY
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)
  20. Be on time to work everyday (SUCCESS)
  1. Carrie says:

    You’re getting good at RAOK! 🙂 I definitely think you should keep doing this one… Forever. 🙂

  2. I wish I was getting good at getting this blog to look the way it should…man the layout keeps jumping all OVER the place ARGGGGGGG

  3. Thanks though! 🙂

  4. DeannaC says:

    Who did you say mah lady to?

    • I said it to two ladies as I was walking out of the gym after basketball, I actually said “This is limp is why fat people shouldn’t play basketball, ma ladies” *hand gesture*

  5. hahahaha not “this is limp is…” woah…just THIS limp is….I must be tired.

  6. rmpanos says:

    I am proud of you Mr. Ben.

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