I sit down between 9 and 10pm to write this dang thing every night. I will say that it keeps me out of trouble. Although how much trouble can you get into without sex, booze, and TV? Shoot, that used to be my schedule on days that I…well let’s just say that used to be my schedule, period.

I do miss booze. Do you know what things are better with little booze in you? Everything. Family gatherings, funerals, parties, performance reviews, your last day of work, your first day of work, moon landings, your afternoon jog, Christmas morning, giving a speech to the U.N Security Council, and of course…hating all of the Jews:


I haven’t yet had to write this blog from somewhere other than my home or my parents’ home, but I found the ecard that sums up what it would be like if I had to write it somewhere else, cuz rules is rules:

annnnd we’re back to jumping from one topic to the next with no semblance of transition:

I woke up this morning and my ankle was very sore. I decided I would not be running/jogging/playing basketball/speedwalking/playing in a moon bounce/jumping on a trampoline/learning to ride a pogo-stick today. It hurt. I decided that in lou leu leiu liu instead of jogging today I would swim. I was at work from 7am to 3:15 and I ate at my desk rather quickly so that I could get out there and swim while the sun was still out.

Quick sidebar about the food I ate at my desk rather quickly. I realize that when you eat a frozen meal it’s not going to look at all like what is in the box, but this is too funny to me not to post.


Actual food:

Thank heavens it’s so damn tasty, or else people might complain.

So after that ridiculously filling abundance of food, I worked the rest of the day and then went to the lake to swim. Note to self: NEVER AGAIN make eye contact with a younger woman who is with her child and say “ma lady” when you are out of breath, and look like this: (WARNING: IF YOU ARE EATING, LOOK AWAY)

I don’t have the slightest clue how creepy she thought I was, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say JUST DAMN.


Maybe it’s the beard. Maybe it’s the black hole of a belly button I’m working with. Seriously, look at that thing…unless you want to sleep tonight, then don’t. Maybe it’s the lack of anything resembling not blubber. Whatever it is…it’s not good.

So after the creep swim, I went to the parents’ house for some dinner. While waiting for dinner to be prepared for me like the spoiled dickface I am, I tried to think of a worthwhile random act of kindness I could do close to their house. I remembered that there is a road right down from them that is always littered with junk, so I grabbed a trash bag and went to do a little roadside cleanup. There are three things about cleaning up that 2/10ths of a mile of road that I am saddened by:

  1. I filled an extra capacity garbage bag 3/4ths the way in only 2/10ths of a mile of roadside.
  2. Every single thing that I picked up off the ground was recyclable. EVERY F*CKING ONE.
  3. Someone threw this on the side of the road:

That’s a Styx compact disc. Professor Farnsworth, please state the obvious:

Thank you.

I will say this about the crap I picked up tonight, it was a bunch of McDonald’s wrappers, beer and soda cans and bottles, cigarette packs, candy wrappers, and a few plastic shopping bags. I’m not saying that if you are drinking a beer in your car while smoking a cig as a double cheeseburger sits on the passenger seat, and you plan on wolfing down a Nestle Crunch after, that you are a piece of shit…but what I am saying is…wait, no, that’s probably exactly what I’m saying. Plus you hate Styx. You know who else hated Styx? Hitler.

For the record, that’s two jokes about Jews or Hitler in the same blog post, I think I’m reaching.

After the roadside cleanup mission, I snagged some din din, then went back to my house to mount the TV that I can’t watch in the living room I don’t spend any time in. It was a definitely something that just had to be done right away. A worthwhile project, if you will. It did, however, make 3 house projects done for the month. Annnd boom goes the dynamite.

My parents’ washer isn’t draining properly, so the mom came over to do some washing of clothes while my dad and I hung the TV, I did not realize she brought all my green blend stuff back to my house. You’ll see why that matters in a few sentences. Even though my house is put back together and I could stay there tonight, I felt pretty lazy. I decided that instead of packing everything up and getting back home for the night, I’d delay one more day and crash at the parental units’ house. 9:30pm I go to make my green blend, can’t find the ingredients, and realize what’s going on. Now remember, I’m lazy. This is what my mom had in the fridge as far as veggies and fruit:

That is one pathetic green blend. I blended 2 cups of water with it and chugged it down quick.  It tasted VERY cucumber-y. Must go shopping tomorrow.

I said this either yesterday or the day before, but I feel like it needs repeating. I’m not cutting my hair until I have 10 inches of hair to donate to locksoflove.org.  It should take a little more than a year to do. You are going to see me in a lot of stylish hats for the next year.

Also I just signed on to do a mudrun thing in July. www.mudathlon.com/

I don’t know why I’m doing these things, it’s probably for the attention. It’s like someone who juggles in public…which could be you by July 3rd…

So that’s day fifteen, everything is still really f*cking hard when I remember that it’s hard, but mainly today I was so busy checking things off the list it didn’t feel too difficult


  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) I’m counting the swim as I was too injured to jog.
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS)
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS) It’s getting harder. Get it?
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (3 of 4 SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (2 of 2 SUCCESS)
  13. Read one book every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS)
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)
  20. Be on time to work everyday (SUCCESS)
  1. Kelly says:

    You signed up for a race!

  2. Amanda Lower says:

    Mudathon!!! I’m doing it toooooo. Yayyyyy!!! 🙂

  3. tlruminski says:

    My therapist told me that a man’s biological limit is 3 weeks. You’re approaching that, and I’m starting to feel kinda bad…I don’t normally torture people! I’m super inspired by your posts and may take on your monthly idea. Except at no point will I ever consider giving up sex…or chocolate!

  4. Abby Hacker says:

    Um….yea….I’m still waiting on my text compliment.

  5. rmpanos says:

    Halfway home brother!!!!! oh and i will fidn the person who tossed the styx cd and i will beat them within an inch of their life. I love that band. The end.

  6. Robin Tetley says:

    two fun facts for the day…
    1) When I was 17 I did the spotlighting for a styx concert.
    2) No team in NBA history has come back from a 3-1 deficit to win the
    championship. GO HEAT!

  7. Luke Starkey says:

    I won’t be running that one but I’ll definitely be there to cheer you on! Make sure you let everyone know the date/time (and by everyone, I obviously mean me).

  8. Erin says:

    Jonah wanted me to relay a message to you… Ben, I just have 2 things to say:

    1) it was 95 degrees today. What were you doing wearing a sweater?
    2) thanks for picking up my trash.

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