I’m too tired to proofread this entry.
If you find an error, it only counts if you were juggling and reading at the same time when you caught it.
One would think that I would have learned my lesson after I agreed to do all this crap and not add more to it. Today was by far the hardest day of this self-inflicted horribleness. No carbs, in a word, BLOWS.
I honestly thought it wouldn’t be so hard to find things that didn’t have carbs in them. I was so so so so wrong. I was so wrong that I was actually right for a little bit and then all the way back to wrong. I know that doesn’t make any sense. Just let me have that one. I’m completely out of it tonight.
Here’s how it happened:
First of all, this is probably WAY TOO MUCH INFO, but I honestly don’t have the capacity to care about that right now. So here goes:
These sex dreams are just getting stupidly lucid. I’m not a big fan. It would be a completely different story if there was anything I could do about them instead of reciting the pledge of allegiance. Gentlemen, you know what it’s like to try to pee with any accuracy first thing in the morning if you have the morning wood. It’s next to impossible. I have less of a chance hitting only toilet water than this woman has not hitting water:
I got up at 6:30 harder than advanced calculus, and I literally recited the pledge of allegiance in my head. It works! I then proceeded to get my fat ass on my bike to head to work. Success. I clocked in exactly at 7am. Holy shit that was close. I have to leave earlier tomorrow. I’m averaging 12 mph on the bike. I’m pretty sure the testicle that Lance Armstrong lost could do better than that. Anyway, I got to work and got plenty done in the morning thankfully.
I decided that my RAOK would be to take some pastries in to the ladies at the courthouse, the assessor’s office, recorder’s, treasurer’s etc. I bought sugar covered donut holes, and raspberry and strawberry filled pastries for them. I bought this for me:
The nice thing about turkey pepperoni is that it tastes like over salted, super greasy pepperoni. Just what I was craving after seeing all those amazing carb filled goodies. Luckily I didn’t have time to think too long about delicious carb-laden delicacies, I had to go get my nails did.
Seriously though, how fat do my fingers look? If I tried to fool a kid with that trick where it looks like you are sliding your thumb off your hand and putting it back again, they’d be like, “I can see your entire fat thumb, fatty. You’re so fat.”
Kids are mean.
I got to the county offices and passed out the treats and then one of the women there told me the county complex building was holding a blood drive. If there is one thing I love more than Hormel turkey pepperoni, it’s getting stuck with a needle after filling out a survey! I don’t really enjoy needles and I didn’t really have the time, so I decided to go get stuck with a needle after filling out a survey.
I really have to stop doing two random acts of kindness in one day. I should be saving these up. Proof that I’m still special in the head.
Side note, I got a text from my friend Abby that she gave someone a ride as a random act of kindness, she’s one of the good ones, and it’s bad ass to see this tiny little idea reach other people. ‘MERICA.
The person that took that picture of me smiling up there was a county officer that was there in uniform to get people water, snacks, and check on them to make sure they felt ok. I asked for a water and he said “no problem”, and grabbed me one out of a cooler. I said out loud that I think if they advertised that police officers would wait on you hand and foot, they might get more people to donate blood. I said they could make a billboard that said, “Hate cops? Donate Blood”. I thought it was funny. Apparently it was not. Oh well. They aren’t all going to be winners.
My ankle still is decently sore from spraining it last Sunday so I’m counting the biking as my jog for now. Anyway, I was gung-ho about the rest of my day, after work I still needed to bike home, blend, golf, and lift. Unfortunately, I got a little ahead of myself and did not quite grasp what giving blood does to your body and mind.
That look is 100% legit. I was just going to take a picture of myself as I have been doing like that for the past 10 days or so, to document the beard and hair growth…but I had to share that. I may have been lightheaded.
Side note #2, I just realize that I’m wearing a shirt that says, “I am for the child” which is a great message. Now cover up the “or” in “for”, like I did with my ‘I give blood’ sticker.
“I am F the child”. Like a damn illiterate child molester, awesome job dicknose.
Moving on again…
I got back to work feeling VERY woozy, finished out my day there, and proceeded to drive to the golf course. I don’t know what I shot, but it wasn’t a good score. Then I drove to my house, did a green blend, drove back to work, dropped off my car, got on my bike, and rode to my parents’ house so I could watch the last television program I’m allowed to watch for another 12 days. At halftime I went into where my parents’ still have a weight area set up, and I did some situps and lunges and calf raises, some bent over rows and some tricep work.
Then I did the only thing that saved my day from being 100% horribly challenging. I made Bacon. There were eggs too, but mainly BACON. It was the most delicious Bacon I’ve had in at least 3 days.
So that’s day eighteen, everything is just fine, nothing to see here, move it along.
- Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
- Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
- Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (I’ve missed ONE)
- Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
- Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS)
- No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS)
- Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
- Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS)
- No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
- Complete one project around the house every week. (3 of 4 SUCCESS)
- Volunteer two times somewhere. (2 of 2 SUCCESS)
- Read one book every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
- Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
- Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
- Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS)
- No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS)
- Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
- Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)
- Be on time to work everyday (SUCCESS)
- Weight lift everyday except Sundays (SUCCESS)
- Bike to work and back everyday that I go to work (SUCCESS)
- NO CARBS AT ALL UNTIL IT’S OVER (SUCCESS) OH MY GOD I HATE THIS
- Wake up before 7 instead of 8 everyday. (SUCCESS)