July 9th

Posted: July 10, 2012 in bucket list, Comedy, Diet, Inspiration, Motivation, vegan, Will Power
Tags: , , ,

I wish I had somewhere to send this letter:

Dear Vegans,

What the f*ck is this food?

Best Regards,

Me

________________________

Seriously though. This food is shitty. I ate so much today and I was never full. Not one time did I feel like I had enough to eat. To be fair I think 1/2 of it was just my brain seeing a leg of turkey (like Renaissance fair big!) float on by every 27 seconds. Or deep fried fill-in-the-blank. That stuff is everywhere. I picked the wrong week to be vegan. I even caught myself chewing my fingernails, then realized THAT’S NOT F*CKING VEGAN EITHER.

I ate peanut butter on bread, I ate a whole container each of raspberries, blueberries, and strawberries, I ate a banana, I ate popcorn.  I ate almonds,  I drank Coke Zero and orange juice (not together although it would probably taste better than Soy milk). I was weak and dizzy like when I did 3 days with zero carbs. I had ZERO energy. Then my friend Robin said I should sugar up so I had some gummy bears and blow pops and that did the trick, I felt a lot better. When I got home I ate Boca chicken patties and Morning Star Meat BBQ whatevers and I’m finally a little full. My jaw is tired from chewing so many things today and my stomach is just begging for a cheeseburger.

Tangent A:

I was going to refrain from saying that I saw a LOT of jailbait and/or white trash at the county fair today. But here’s two things about that:

  1. It’s true.
  2. White trash doesn’t know what a blog is.

I think I’m safe.

annnnnnnd we’re back

Thank you for all of the comments/suggestions. I’ll try to answer them all here:

1.  I’m only eating vegan. You can make a coat out of Irish Setters if you want…

2. My definition of eating vegan is no animals or animal bi-products. Yeast is not an animal, so I’ll be having bread. Also I don’t give a poop if the product I’m eating was made in a facility that also uses animal bi-products.

My tofu saw some butter on the other table at the factory so I just can’t bring myself to eat it

Shut up your mouth hole.

3. I really think my friend Ryan who is working directly across from me out at the fair should taunt me with savory deep fried delicacies! He is also trying to eat well though, so I am not going to force him to eat shitty food in front of me. Also, forcing someone to eat shitty food in front of you…that would just be creepy.

4.  I need to get my hands on some quinoa and some oats, some more soy crap, and some beans and lentils.

5. I will absolutely not be extending this one past 7 days (sorry Erin!) I just hate veggies, so basically what I’m doing right now is harder than what normal vegans do…I’m being vegan and also not eating vegetables. What the hell is left? Fruits, beans, and whatever chemicals I’m eating in a Morning Star “burger”. I will be taking your advice on the oatmeal and the spinach and pasta thing…I think I can handle that.

6. I am going to make this per Luke’s commentt:

Here’s an easy recipe: grill some green, red, yellow, and orange peppers, mushrooms, and onion with olive oil. Mix together olive oil, 2 tablespoons of chili powder, garlic, and a little lime juice. Mix with the veggies. Put it all on a grilled corn tortilla for a wonderful vegan tostada!

I’m going to make it Friday night and film the cooking of it. Mainly because I think it’s going to be hilarious as I have never cooked or eaten any of those things. If anyone has another vegan recipe to add, do it to it! I’ll make it on Friday night and eat it and try not to throw it up! Yay plants!

7. If I went vegetarian I would literally eat eggs and boca chicken patties and cottage cheese for every meal. The end.

8. I read the entire ingredients list of Cocoa Pebbles. Not one mention of animal bi-products. F-YEAH!

Like I said, thanks everyone for the pointers! I hope I have more energy tomorrow, I feel like everything I ate today was hollow or maybe I just didn’t eat enough peanut butter.

Two last tangents: My resolution type living has rubbed off on my friend Kelly! She’s got some July resolutions of her own!

Kelly’s Blog

My friend Robin told me that she’s been inspired to run a mile a day because of two things…. me…and even better, because she saw Zombieland and doesn’t want to be eaten. When I read her text I laughed out loud. If you are wondering what all that means…check this out:

I will leave you with this:

“YOLO is Carpe Diem for stupid people”

My Bucket List until December 31st 11:59pm of 2012 is as follows:

  1. Dunk a basketball.
  2. Raise 500 dollars of other people’s money for the LaPorte Small Animal Shelter (It’s easy to donate, harder to raise those funds).
  3. Go on a 4 day weekend getaway somewhere tropical by myself.
  4. Meet a famous person, people from reality TV don’t count.
  5. Become SCUBA certified.
  6. Attempt to break a Guinness World Record Most people in one place wearing sunglasses at night! 7/6/2012! Wrigley Field!
  7. Learn to play one entire song on an instrument.
  8.  Start a side business, or create some form of secondary revenue stream. *Your multi-level marketing pyramid scheme is not what I’m looking for, sorry*
  9.  Achieve one of the following: 1) Weigh 205 pounds. 2) Have under 10% body fat 3) Have noticeable abs
  10.  Bungee Jump (I’m 100% f*cking terrified of heights)
  11.  Learn to Juggle four beanbags at once.
  12.  Complete a sprint triathlon
Comments
  1. tlruminski says:

    Personally, I go for almond milk…better than soy and awesome on cereal. The vege fajitas sound great, enjoy!

  2. mommyest09 says:

    I’m no vegan (I love steak), but gummy bears might not be vegan. I think they have gelatin in them which I think is not vegan. I could be wrong though. Good luck. No way could I be at the fair and not eat.

  3. Just make sure your pasta doesn’t contain milk products :/ Herp

    • One more comment… Here are some good vegan snack ideas:

      NACHOS: Very popular with older children and teens. Simply pile tortilla chips on a microwave-proof plate and sprinkle with salsa and nondairy cheddar cheese. For “nachos grandes,” sprinkle with some drained and rinsed canned black or pinto beans. Microwave just until the cheese melts and serve warm.

      HOT BEAN DIP: Simple and so good, just combine about 3/4 cup vegetarian refried beans with 1/4 cup good-quality salsa in a serving bowl. Cover and microwave for about 1 minute, then serve with natural, stone-ground tortilla chips.

      CINNAMON-RAISIN TOAST: An all-time favorite in our home! Raisin bread makes great cinnamon toast. Simply toast fresh raisin bread, spread lightly with non-hydrogenated margarine, and sprinkle lightly with cinnamon and natural cane sugar.

      TRAIL MIX: Sure, you can buy prepared trail mix, but you may enjoy mixing your own, especially if you’re already in the habit of keeping several types of nuts and dried fruits in your pantry. Invent your own combinations of nuts (peanuts, cashews, almonds, sunflower or pumpkin seeds, walnuts, pecans, hazelnuts) and dried fruits (raisins, apricots, flour-rolled date pieces, dried cranberries, dried cherries, pineapple, mango, or papaya). For a rich treat, add a small amount of cane-juice sweetened chocolate chips or natural peanut butter chips.

  4. rmpanos says:

    hahahaha, this week is the best. And I won’t be taunting you. I know I ate a reuben sandwich today, but I tried to eat it quickly as to not rub it in. I did opt for fried vegetables for dinner time. At any rate. I love the YOLO is Carpe Diem For Stupid People. Hilarious. We need to contact Andy “Fear The Beard” Baughman and get a couple of shirts made with that on it. Oh and don’t forget the Peanut Butter, Jelly and Banana Sandwich tomorrow!!!!!!

  5. Nik says:

    You already lost buddy, look at the ingredients of gummy bears, theres gelatin in them which is basically animal hoofs, I think you should have to start over lol

  6. abbyhacker says:

    Nice work…you picked a pretty horrible week for being vegan. I think you could make a sno cone and work that into your diet. Just an idea…I’m sure it’s really filling, and hey…YOLO! -Abs

  7. elkanne says:

    We have a giant bag of quinoa if you want to snag it… seems like you need it more than we do, and we’re leaving for Colorado tomorrow!

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