Before I officially start tonight’s post, I’d like to let you all know how my quads feel tonight. My quads feel like Nick Nolte looks.
My quads feel like critics’ review of the movie “Chill Factor”
My quads feel like every decision Lindsay Lohan has made in the last 10 years.
MY QUADS FEEL BAD. Everything else is just a little sore. My quads actually feel like, damaged. Yikes.
I feel like if my quads were my children, I’d be arrested for child abuse. Sorry quads.
Anyway, let’s build a bridge and get the f*ck over it.
I’ve been asked by a few peoples about the terms and conditions that led to me starting all of this ridiculousness. Read the ABOUT page if you are interested in the details, but the short version is this:
I gave up chewing tobacco for my new year’s resolution. Because I was drinking with Keith Ross. We bet 400 dollars. The first one to start chewing again would owe the other one 400 dollars. Here’s how that was decided:
One of us: We should quit chewing.
The other one: I bet you I’d last longer than you.
The first one: I bet you 100 bucks I last longer than you.
The other one: F*ck, 100 bucks? how about 200?
The first one: If you are going to come at me like that, let’s make it 400.
The other one: Fine.
The first one: Fine.
The other one: 400 bucks?
The first one: 400 bucks.
The other one: Fine.
So then we did it. Then Keith started chewing again in April. Then he told me we agreed to an end date of April 1st, and he only started chewing again after April 1st. I don’t remember us having an end date. I thought it was forever. So he’s not going to pay me the 400 that I think he owes me. It’s ok because he’s like 1,000,000 times more likely to die a slow death from cancer than me, so I’ll take that as payment. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m pretty sure it’s just me stating facts. Hold on, I’ll be right back, I’m going to try to find stats to make me sound official.
Ok I’m back. 2 minutes of Google (STP = Smokeless Tobacco Products):
So basically that’s like saying he’s a million times more likely to die of cancer.
So for ME, the January resolution stuck, so then February comes along and I’m all like, “I should probably add something else because I already did the first one.”
I mean it went something like that, I probably shouldn’t have used quotes in the above sentence because I was obviously paraphrasing. Shut up.
So then when I got to May, I had been drinking, and I got on Facebook (super super super dangerous). I crowd-sourced what I should do for June. People said so many fun sounding things that my drunken brain said “YES”, and I agreed to like 83.4% of them. When I woke up and re-read what I agreed to I remember thinking: “Well, that’ll teach me to drink and agree to things”. Also (stay with me here it gets a little convoluted), there is a saying that goes something like: “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk, that’ll teach you.”
It reminded me of these stupid things that everyone posts everywhere:
And also this:
So if you are still with me… I made my own stupid one of these things. God help you if it goes viral, I’ll make like a billion dollars and then it’ll be weird when we see each other in public.
So basically, I have alcohol to thank for changing my life.
Second of all, I corrected all of the ones that I just posted above:
And this one:
To be fair, I’m sure plenty of people said that to Hitler, they just probably weren’t Jewish.
So anyway, the long story short here really should have been that the whole reason I started doing this is because I was drinking. Drinking made me a better person? Probably not. Well the fact that I decided to follow up with something that I said while drinking, that’s what made me a better person. So my inspirational thing up there actually makes sense. Holy balls. Look. At. That. They DO serve a purpose!
Do you know what serve a purpose sounds like when you say it out loud?
serve a porpoise.
We got off track rather quickly there, and I apologize.
Ok well for those of you that are for one reason or another still reading to this point…
Today I did everything I was supposed to do. My trumpet playing is NOT getting any better. It’s so bad that I actually questioned whether or not the trumpet itself is defective. I’m serious. I think the third valve is jacked up. Just because I actually know what the third valve on a trumpet is, means you should give me the benny of the doubt when I say that it might actually be screwed up. I’m taking it to a professional brass player this week so that he can laugh in my face and just tell me I’m terrible (or maybe lend credence to my concern):
Also my juggling is not getting any better. August is going to be a LONG month.
As I think about my personal BS and whatnot, there are much bigger things going on. RYAN PANOS is 5 days into his month long challenge to better himself, and he’s doing so friggin well!
I could not be more proud. When September 1st hits and he completes this month, and officially has quit smoking, I’m absolutely going to take credit for something I had .001% to do with.
What can I say, I love making myself look good at the expense of others.