I proofread nothing. I wrote all of this once. Don’t judge:
My Bucket List until December 31st 11:59pm of 2012 is as follows:
- Dunk a basketball.
Raise 500 dollars of other people’s money for the LaPorte Small Animal Shelter (It’s easy to donate, harder to raise those funds).
- Go on a 4 day weekend getaway somewhere tropical by myself.
Meet a famous person, people from reality TV don’t count. Also I have to shake their hand in order for it to count.
- Become SCUBA certified.
Attempt to break a Guinness World RecordMost people in one place wearing sunglasses at night! 7/6/2012! Wrigley Field!
- Learn to play one entire song on an instrument.
- Start a side business, or create some form of secondary revenue stream. *Your multi-level marketing pyramid scheme is not what I’m looking for, sorry*
- Achieve one of the following: 1) Weigh 205 pounds. 2) Have under 10% body fat 3) Have noticeable abs
- Bungee Jump (I’m 100% f*cking terrified of heights)
- Learn to Juggle four beanbags at once.
Complete a sprint triathlonLaPorte YMCA Sprint Triathlon Saturday, August 4th Two Hours and Twenty Minutes
Not sure if you noticed numero dos…
If you haven’t been following along, my bucket list clearly stated that I was to raise 500 dollars for the animal shelter. Well, someone went ahead and donated 1.5 million dollars to them, probably because of me and how awesome I am…and no other reason ever.
So anyway…I decided to switch that over to the State Street food pantry…but THEN there was a car accident…and bad shit happened to good people, and my idiot brain was all like…”pshhh you should totally do stupid things on video to raise money for these two little girls who should be out riding their bikes instead of spending countless hours in the hospital.” So guess what?
I only have 100 dollars for the food pantry. That’s 100 bucks they didn’t have before, though. So I guess that’s not too crappy. (Also, don’t worry State Street…I’m not done)
Also, as far as raising money for the girls…
We…and by we…I mean YOU, raised 705 dollars for the girls.
Here’s a bit of a breakdown of how all this money got raised:
Lisa donated ALL of her tips from waiting tables on a Friday night here in town. I would normally plug the restaurant, but the management decided not to match her donation, so no freebies from this dude. Boom. LISA IS AWESOME. 115 bucks!
I did a bunch of stupid videos for 20 bucks a pop.
My favorite? The “Take On Me” video that Jeff Shew proposed.
My least favorite? The milk challenge…Ryan Bush still owes 20 bucks for that…hopefully you can bomb his Facebook page and remind him, if not I’m sure he’ll sleep well tonight…probably spent that 20 dollars on a really sweet pillow.
Ryan, you can send the check to Laporte Seamless Gutter…or drop off cash down there!
I was an errand boy, I dropped off some flowers for Mrs. Cook to her mother:
I also got some donations from people like Michelle and Abby that didn’t come with a video requirement…just a “here’s 20 bucks”. Perfect.
Michelle sent 20 bucks with a nice little note that absolutely made my day.
Abby sent this:
HOW AWESOME IS THAT?
We also auctioned off my happy ass to the highest bidder on the night of the benefit…I went for 180 dollars, and I’m just going to be giving the gift certificates to the winner instead of making them put up with me for a whole night. They really dodged a bullet there.
ALSO, I went down to Ladies Fitness Zone and did a Jazzercise class on a Saturday morning. That shit was EXHAUSTING. I also made inappropriate comments about the owner’s backside, and I was given a towel by a 65 year old woman in the class because “You look like you’re going to die”
That hurt the pride a little.
While raising that much money for a great cause is…well…great… I figured a lot of August out. I spent 60 hours a week working, 20 hours a week doing the videos or blogging about them, and 40 hours a week sleeping. That leaves 48 hours a week to do something else. Guess what I did? It wasn’t eating healthy and it wasn’t donating plasma. It wasn’t good.
I spent 48 hours a week being a piece of crap. I shoved food into my face like this:
Crazy August was Crazy. It was my first month of trying my best to run a LOT of the fambiz. Plus raise the money. Plus not die from stress. Turns out I didn’t die. Actually, turns out that people that die of stress actually have stress. Imagine that.
I’ve been diagnosed with “pussy stress”. My dad has had something known as “real stress” for 30 years. I’ve had pussy stress for 30 days. I’m still not sure what “real stress” is. I think it’s something you feel when everyone you’ve ever loved is dependent upon every decision you make…forever.
I’m such a little bitch.
I was really a little bitch when it came to the other goals I have for 2012. For whatever reason, I think my brain was like “Oh hey dickface, you raised a lot of money for those little girls…go have like 19 donuts, it’s totally cool.”
Yes, I crossed a big one off the bucket list.
No, I didn’t do anything for the other things on that same list.
With that in mind, for the next 30 days, it’s all about this tub of shit I call a “body”. I should basically call it a container…of lard.
So the 100 day challenge that I was doing. FAILED HORRIBLY.
I failed worse than Thornburg did as a journalist in Die Hard:
SO. As as my good friend Cary once made me aware of:
F*cking Batman. Always awesome.
I’d like to apologize to friends and family in advance for the “September” Challenge…which will technically run from midnight September 4th until October 4th at 5pm. I won’t be hanging out with you. I won’t be seeing you. I won’t be coming to your parties, going to your events, I won’t be doing anything “fun”. Also, I won’t be taking any more 20 dollar challenges or raising money this month. I won’t be doing anything social. I’ll be barely available by cell phone, more likely the best way to get ahold of me will be email…that I will barely check.
During the aforementioned timeframe, I’m going to concentrate on good ole number 9 on the bucket list. I’m running out of time to weigh less and blah blah blah, this is going to be stupid.
Here’s a list of things I don’t want to hear from anyone:
- That’s not healthy
- There’s a better way to lose weight
- You should eat/drink this and it will help
- This workout program is all you need
- What you are doing isn’t the healthy way to lose weight
Notice that I bookended the two most important ones.
I’m not concerned with your ideas of healthy vs. not healthy. The way I see it, there is some f*ckbag out there that could have looked at Schwarzenegger when he looked like this:
and said, well if he just would have eaten vegan he would have blahpdosgfanp[odsjnga[osdingfao[sding[aoismndaio]sd]fpaisd
Bottom line, I’m going to do whatever I think I should do to cross off good ole number 9.
Still, I realize I dropped the ball as far as the 100 day challenge. That was compounded by many, many things, but still, it was a major fail. I’m sorry if I let people down… You know what made me feel good though?
Regarding August (which I DID fail horribly) I got a text from my friend Joe that really made me feel awesome/challenged to do the next big thing…
He tells me that he and his wife felt inspired by the blog…and they switched their annual food donation to the State Street Food Pantry (WHICH YOU TOTALLY SHOULD DO AS WELL), they have also instituted a vegan week once a month, and oh yeah just to let you know, Joe dropped 12 pounds JUST THIS MONTH…I could not be more proud. That brings us to September:
In keeping with being stupid for your entertainment…If you want to be stupid. I mean REALLY F*CKING STUPID, Follow along….
- Wake up before 5am everyday.
- Lay down to sleep at 9pm every night.
- Run (actually f*cking run) one mile every morning before work and keep the time.
- lift weights for 45 minutes every day.
- Do one random cardio activity besides the run…for 45 minutes every day.
- Sunday is rest day. Sunday is also fast day. No food will be consumed from midnight Saturday/Sunday to midnight Sunday/Monday. Only water is allowed. (I know this means I will be not eating or drinking on NFL Sundays)
- Post everything, every day. This means weight every morning, weight every night. Mile time every morning, what I did for cardio every night. What Sunday was like…EVERYTHING
- Nothing I eat can be prepared by someone else. (no restaurants, no fast food, no one making my food – even mom!)
- Nothing but water to drink.
I think you can tell everything stated is weight loss related. Nothing else. This is going to happen!
Tomorrow I will have the initial weigh in. It’s going to be f*cking terrible…like 270 or something. I just don’t care where I’m at now. I know it got terribly out of control as of late.
I only care about where I’m going to be in October…I’m putting it out there…You should come with me on this stupidity!
I don’t mean by trying to get in shape. I mean what do you want to change about yourself for one month. One month. 30 days. What can you change?
Comment. I won’t be available any other way 😉
Before I go tonight, quick shout out to Ryan Panos. He quit smoking. He’s done. No longer in the category of “Smoker”. How bad ass is that!? I’m so proud of him. He chose August to conquer his demons. Why don’t you choose September to conquer yours?
Let me know what you are trying to start or give up for the month. I’d love to let the world know that people have goals!