100 times I’ve tried to write something that didn’t make me look stupid. I’ve succeed like 14 times. It’s been great.
You are reading my 100th blog post. It’s been a pretty fun journey so far. I think my favorite post of all time is August 4th, the triathlon. If you haven’t read that one, do yourself a favor and laugh at my expense.
Since I’ve started this blog, I’ve put myself through some stupid, stupid stuff for fun and for charity. I’ve done it for entertainment, for you and for me. I’ve done things I never thought I’d do (eat vegetables, go a month without sexual gratification, complete a triathlon and a mudrun, Jazzercize), but I’ve also done things that I was hoping I’d do, but never put forth the effort (lose weight, volunteer, raise money for a good cause, try to be funny in a public forum). The response has been great, and I’d like to thank everyone for hanging out and reading along. I’ve solidified old friendships (Cary, Abby, Erin, Teresa, Panos, Erica, Amanda, Havens, to name a few), and made new ones (Other Erin haha, Janet with that fantastic married booty, 1991 Bulls player Cliff Levingston…). Ok, so maybe I only shook Cliff’s hand, but in my head, we’re friends.
Before I show you a list of 10 things I learned from blogging since June, I’ll share this, because of 3 things. #1. Louis C.K. is the most grounded person I can think of. #2. F*ck you, this is my blog, I’ll do what I please. #3. I’m sorry for swearing at you, I just think this is relevant:
Ten things that I have noticed/learned/understood/realized about doing what I’ve been doing for as long as I’ve been doing it:
- Editing video to make it look the way you want is harder than it looks
- WordPress stats will drive you crazy, a la, why did 300 people look at yesterdays post and now only 150 looked at today’s? Am I losing my comedic abilities? Did I use too many AIDS jokes? Not enough AIDS jokes?
- Never drink and blog unless you are willing to follow through with what you write when you drink.
- Vegetables are not the devil. GREEN vegetables are the devil.
- WordPress.com and WordPress.org are two different things.
- Averaging X amount of followers and views each day is soooo much harder than you think it is, I average 150-200 people a day if I post EVERYDAY. If I don’t, it drops off to like 50 a day. Crazy.
- Listening to music while you write helps out tremendously. Pandora Radio on the interwebs, (the station “80’s throwback, 90’s comeback”) has gotten me through some boring nights.
- I’ve never had writer’s block. Not once. I don’t think it’s a thing for bloggers. I think bloggers who are looking for an excuse say that they have it. When I don’t know what to write about, I just start typing LITERALLY whatever is in my head. Then I edit the shit out of it, then I have a blog post.
- My knees are still not ready for daily running.
- I absolutely am 100% happy that I started doing this. I am a better person than I was 6 months ago, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. Well, there was that one time that I found out my high school girlfriend wasn’t pregnant. That was the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life, right now is a close second.
Let’s talk about #3 real quick:
Never drink and blog unless you are willing to follow through with what you write when you drink.
That was is a big one for me. I actually started this whole thing because I had been imbibing on Grandpa’s Cough Medicine. I had been doing monthly resolutions, fine. I got a bit drunk and just said yes to absolutely everything (well 90% of what) people suggested for the month of June. That started this entire blog.
So you wouldn’t have laughed for the last 100 posts without booze. Balls in your court, sober world.
Also, in my opinion, drinking is like any relationship:
If you never do it, you’ll have less of a chance to hit the really really LOW LOWs in life. But if you never do it, you’ll probably never see something like this:
Which would be a shame.
Maybe I should take girlfriend applications like Tucker Max. If you don’t know who Tucker Max is, he’s the douchebag all other douchebags look up to. That being said, he’s hilarious and I love reading his books/posts. Click here for the Google results for Tucker Max
My girlfriend application looks like this:
Don’t be dumber than me (just like, soooooo easy)
Don’t smoke/do drugs (evidently harder than I thought)
Don’t have no boobs (pretty easy)
Don’t give zero f*cks about what you look like in public (pretty easy)
Don’t have that thing where you get stressed about “white people problems” (“I was SO pissed that I had to wait for a schoolbus today”) (incredibly hard)
Don’t love material possessions more than memories (want to spend money on travel/vacations…not house/car/clothes) (incredibly hard)
Love comedy and find humor in almost everything. Like. Seriously. (incredibly hard)
Yup. That’s it.
SO! If you know someone like that the lives in the LaPorte area…that’d be great.
Also, if I don’t have to pay her, that’d be cool too.
Here’s a picture of what I’m thinking:
She’s obviously Greek, but I’d still love her.
So let’s talk about yesterday and today.
Yesterday I played basketball at Noon Hoops, and then played basketball at night. It ended up being 4 hours of basketball. I was exhausted last night, and I woke up at 6:30 looking like this:
I’ve overworked my knees lately so I’m taking Fri-Sunday off exercising that involves stomping, jumping, or plodding around like an elephant.
Normally when I take time off exercising, I replace it with this:
I’m not going to do that this time. I’m going to be healthy. I’m going to not eat like crap. I’m going to rest my knees and my sexy, sexy, body, and I’m going to kill it next week on the physical front. These are things that will happen because I say so.
I’ve been cashing in on my good karma lately. A few things have really, and I mean REALLY gone my way. Today I woke up and my basement had some water in it. My sump pump was flooded and it looked bad. I literally walked up to it, knocked it with my shoe, and it completely drained and went back to normal. I feel like it did that because I’m dressing up like a character from one of Dr. Seuss’ books tomorrow morning and reading that book to some pre-school kids. This is probably one of the last things I’m going to do for the benefit fund, but it took a while for the background check to be done (I can’t believe they didn’t check Nevada….I mean…I’ve done some things)
There will be video posted from those shenanigans tomorrow. Wish me luck, 3-5 year olds normally scream when they see me.
Once again, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me. If you feel like sharing this with people, that’d be cool.
Just copy it and paste it on someone’s facebook or twitter or write it out on a piece of paper and mail it to your mom. That’d be sweet.
Or just tell someone about it. I’m not asking for money (yet) just that you spread the word if you enjoy what’s going on here…no one will judge you*.
also, just go to www.thechive.com
It’s literally the best website on the internet, for SO many reasons. No, they aren’t paying me (yet) to say this. It’s just amazing. You need to see it to believe it.
*everyone will judge you