October 6th – 9th

Posted: October 9, 2012 in bucket list, Comedy, Diet, exercise, Inspiration, Motivation, weight loss, Will Power

I have no excuse as to why I haven’t posted the past few days. Hmmm, I should make one up. Ummmm.



Have AIDS.

What does my joke about AIDS and Elizabeth Berkley’s decision to act in Showgirls in order to distance her from Saved By the Bell have in common?

If you said “Well, clearly they both went to far”, I will f*cking punch you in the face.

If you said “Well, clearly they both went too far”, congratulations, you win my little game.

I’m like Jigsaw, only more crafty.

Side note, can you believe someone let me into a Preschool? Yeah, I can’t believe it either.

But that happened. I went to my friend Ashley’s preschool and read The Cat in the Hat. Here’s what I looked like:

I didn’t really plan anything, I just thought I’d go in and read…no big deal.

I thought physical humor and fart noises might work. Also, I almost broke the chair they set out for me:

That whole “falling down” thing really worked, plus I did slow down because I was racing through the damn book for the first 10 pages or so.

So then I read more of the story:

Papa bear Konowitz brought up that the kids would be tired 1/2 way through and I should make them stand up and do something silly and then sit them back down…so we stretched…and I pretended that I was going to fall down again:

It worked.

Then came the part of the book where Thing 1 and Thing 2 make an appearance:

All in all, great experience.

There is one funny/awkward story that I’ll share.

After this whole reading of the story thing happened, they asked me if I wanted to do the recess thing.

I haven’t done recess in like 50 years. YES. DONE.

There was this little edging that separated the playground from the grass. The edging is like 6 inches high. This little girl is all excited to play and she’s running…and I don’t have video of it but it kinda looked like this:

Except instead of a grown Asian woman (panda plus video plus dark hair plus motorcycles equals soooooo ASIAN), it’s a little girl with blonde hair.


She falls down. She is laying there kinda just waiting for someone to notice, which I did immediately. So I run over to her, forgetting that I’m dressed like a giant f*cking monster.

Yeah, quiet whimper to full blown scream after I picked her up.

Before you say, “Why did you pick her up?”

Of course I picked her up, I was the only adult in the immediate area…and when I saw her fall I forgot I was wearing the costume, pardon me for being concerned. Jerk.

Also! If I didn’t pick her up……

How shitty is it when Thing 2 steps over a crying child to go play with the other kids?

Talk about a lose-lose situation…..Shitty.

So anyway…the kid lost a leg but she’s ok otherwise. Ok, just kidding, she stopped crying IMMEDIATELY after Ashley took her out of my monsterous grasp.

So that was that.

Other than that I have been working a lot and trying to maintain the healthy eating, but I’m failing.

I’m such a piece of crap when it comes to eating healthy. I get stressed out at work and I come home and I have beer/pizza.

The entire day I’m golden, I eat healthy 96% of the time, I make it to the gym a lot of the time, and then I get home after an 11 hour day and I just want to not be that guy for a while.

Well shit. That turns into “Eh I’ll get back on it tomorrow”.

WHICH I DO…until the thing known as NIGHT.

Sun goes down, I’m off the clock in my head.

I’m like a fatty vampire.




I prefer nocturnalicious, even though that’s not a thing.

Whatever, I don’t like it.

I need to snap out of that part of it. I think keeping more health food around me will help, and I’m not good at grocery shopping, so tomorrow I have a work event at night and then I’m going to go to the store to stock up.

I’ll talk to you later about that.

For now, that’s a big enough update.

Your mother and I love you very much, now get some sleep.


  1. What if you just assumed you were going to eat 1200 calories or whatever it is at night? What if you only ate 1000 calories during the day? Can you fit the pizza and beer into your calorie total?

  2. abbyhacker says:

    I LOVE the names you made up for a fat vampire. I don’t think I can pick a favorite…until I do….vampiggy 🙂 hahahahaha! Also, good job on keeping those kids entertained!

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