I went to Pennsylvania this weekend to attend my buddy’s mom’s funeral services. It was touching and that whole family is just great. I asked them to adopt me, they said, “Who are you again?”
I recorded this video on the drive back…There is probably zero humor in it…it’s just me talking about the impact the weekend had on me. Willpowerthru gettin’ all PROFOUND and shit! Don’t mind my stupid hair:
Anyway, let me tell you a story. My friend’s dad is basically the most interesting man in the world. He’s lived a damn life. Ex undercover cop, man about town, just an overall cool cat.
We go to the visitation stuff from 2-4 and from 6-8, but we didn’t leave from 4-6…just chilled out in the little back room the funeral home has, eating snacks and laughing and making all the woman folk uncomfortable. Maybe I was the only one making people uncomfortable. I digress…
We’re there all day, and my buddy and his dad (Jr. and Sr.) are just SPENT. They’ve answered the same questions 14,000 times.
To Sr.: “How are you?” “Do you need anything?” “How long is Jr. in town?”
To Jr: “How are you doing?” “How long have you been in town?” “When are you going back to California?” “When are you and your gf getting married?”
I literally heard these same questions over 100 times.
I would have snapped. His mom raised a strong son.
After all that, it’s St. Patty’s Day weekend, so we set out to grab a drink in the nearest watering hole: The Elk’s lodge.
“But, Ben, you aren’t drinking until after the Tough Mudder!” SAID NO ONE, because no one in Bum F*ck, Pennsylvania reads my blog.
So we sit down and my buddy, his girlfriend, and his dad order a Start up. “What’s a start up?” I inquire.
“Oh nothing, my buddy says, JUST A DRINK MY FATHER INVENTED.”
Now this isn’t one of those college bullshit-style, “I invented a drink because all we had was two week old soy milk, some jack, an egg, and some grenadine.”
No, no my children, this is a bona fide tasty libation that he CREATED when he was a bartender.
It’s Coca-Cola, Cherry Rum, and Bacardi. I don’t know the exact mixture or how many jiggers of whatever to make whatever…but…It tastes like a damn Cherry Coke. Do you know how I know? I had 4 of them.
I’m not going to apologize. You know why?
I’m down .4 pounds from Friday’s weigh in, even though I got drunk Saturday night. Why? The drunk food was limited to one donut, a 6″ sub, and some decaf coffee concoction. Estimated caloric value = 2,000 calories. The rest of that Saturday I had eaten approximately 500 calories.
I also realize I was supposed to post pictures of all the food I ate over the weekend. Well, the premise worked, I took photos of everything I ate, even the drunk stuff, and so that really did keep me from over doing it. I bought a 12″ sub full of amazing meats and cheeses, but I only ate 1/2…WHEN DRUNK. Why? Because I took a picture of the first 6″ part of it and then decided in my drunken state, “f*ck you, other 6 inches…I don’t want to look like an asshole on my blog tomorrow night”
That’s called will power, powered by self-hate.
Also, I ate 300 calories today….and now I’m going to bed.
That’s why I’m losing weight. I’m being f*cking stubborn, stupid, and reckless. It’s the only way I know how to do anything, and it’s working. I realize it’s not the “correct way”.
You need to eat a bigger breakfast, you need to count carbs, you need to you need to you need to you need to
Ugh. You need to shut up.
You know what I need to do? Lose weight. The scale says I’m losing weight. Ergo, my method is effective, and you should probably take your Paleo diet and shove it up your ass. (and take all of your f*cking Facebook pictures of your stupid food with you on your trip up your own ass, you dick)
It reminds me of when I play basketball. I’m far too fat and out of shape to be “smooth”. But the ball goes in the god damn basket. Ugly but effective.
I died at 40 from laughing too hard at one of my own jokes.
“Does drinking Saturday night mean you’re back as a boozy member of society?”
I don’t know.
I was able to drink Saturday, and really put a limit on the shitty food I ingested that night. I don’t think I can do that like ALL the time, but I think that I can drink from time to time and still lose weight overall. Saturday I drank, but I didn’t drink a whole bottle of anything. I was tipsy, but still able to say, “Eh, I don’t need that other 6 inches of deli meat deliciousness.”*
*this is something I have never said, ever. I ALWAYS WANT THAT SIX INCHES IN MY MOUTH.
The whole point of this is to be able to incorporate a normal life into being healthy and vice versa.
I also think that drinking every night of the weekend is counter-productive.
I think I’m going to play it by ear/liver.
I know that overall, I’m going to win this weight loss BS… You know why? Because I AM AWESOME MADE OF EXCELLENCE.
It’s like my soul is encased in platinum and diamond.
Bottom line, you should try to catch up, being me is AMAZE-BALLS….cc 2009.
Ok, these are all things that make ZERO sense. We’ll talk soon.
Go hug your mom, dad, or anyone else that you have love for….life is fleeting.