August 28th

Posted: August 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

I’m such an old man. I know I’ve taken photos on my phone. I have a cord that connects my phone to my computer. All other phones I’ve ever had were pretty easy to transfer said photos. This phone…I plug in, try to transfer photos, and…well…I’d show you a picture of my sad face BUT I CAN’T GET THE (*$#@(%$(Y^! PHONE TO TRANSFER IT.

woosah

I’ll figure it out.

In fact. Screw it, I’ll be back later.

twohourslater

Ok I figured it out. Here’s proof! A picture that was on my phone and now is on my computer:

20130702_220709

What’s that you say? Oh no big deal, just the picture of me at the comedy club next to a picture of me on the wall because I’m a professional stand-up comedian now.

it’s like I’m starring the the sequel to Inception.

Inception2

No but for realsies, someone pays me money to tell jokes. Not a lot of money, not great jokes. But technically, I’m a stand-up comedian. It’s really been amazing. I’ve had soooo much fun doing it, and I don’t think I’m a hack, so that’s cool too. What I feel like I do all the time now is just turn everything into a bit, or at least ask myself “could this be a bit, could I turn this into a bit?”

Shit, my dad told me a joke today that he got in his email. Stupid, stupid joke: Two jumper cables walk into a bar and order shots, the bartender says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start nothin’ ”

First of all. That joke wins the award for F*ck you that’s a terrible joke.

Second, this is what I did in my brain for like the next minute, as I thought, hey wouldn’t it be funny if you were trying to use stupid puns but also make it much darker:

Red jumper cable: “Oh do you assume that we’d start something because one of us is black!?”

Black jumper cable: “Hey Red, it’s fine…

Red: “No, no…this shit happens to us all the time…we’re out for a drink and they assume you’re going to jump somebody or start somethin’ because you’re black.”

Black: “Red, you’re supposed to be the positive one here, remember?”

Red: “What a shock! You are so damn negative all the time you don’t even have the balls to stand up for yourself, and that’s why you aren’t IN CHARGE at work anymore!”

annnnnd SCENE.

It went on for longer than that in my head, but that’s what I’m talking about…my brain looks like this nowadays:

BRAIN3

So that’s that.

So let’s cut to the quick here for tonight. Some of you that don’t know me outside of our awesome little world of “I type things online and then you read those things” might want an update to know what I’ve been up to lately. That’s boring and I don’t wanna. So let’s just focus on the list for tonight and maybe I’ll feel more like biographying it up tomorrow.

1. Blog about it daily. DONE

2. 1600 Calories a day. DONE

3. Only meals that have been cooked by someone not paid to cook. So like mom’s dinner yes, delivery pizza no. DONE

4. Read 4 books. (I’m open to suggestions!) 1/3 the way through my first book: Delivering Happiness by the CEO of Zappos.com

5. Work out once a day for more than 30 minutes. (this is going to be lenient, like walking is acceptable) Walked after work

6. Tweet one joke a day (I will be posting this one to Twitter @kenbonowitz)

Screen Shot 2013-08-28 at 11.19.47 PM

7. Drink only water. DONE!

8. 100% Abstinence (yes, that means no flogging the pope, or whatever awesome euphemism you use) DONE!

9. Do one RAOK a day! (this will probably be pretty lenient as well, but we’ll see)

Lamest RAOK ever. But I was running out of time and I FORGOT….I’m not spending money this month so I can’t just donate to charity to save my ass on this one like I’ve done before. I posted a Yelp review for a Taco Bell in Valparaiso. Obviously I’m not visiting them this month, but I remembered that I wanted to post something, somewhere about how great that Taco Bell is. I’ve only been there 3 times, but all three of the times, everyone was super polite and seemed like they really enjoyed their job, the place was clean, and my order was perfect. I thought why not post a Yelp review about a fast food place that’s doing right (customer service wise).

10. Surprise someone everyday. (probably my favorite submission out of all of them) DONE!

I’m taking this one today because I don’t really know how I’m supposed to surprise people in a good way besides when I do an ROAK for them. I was at an estimate for work today, I walked up to the door and knocked on the screen door (the interior door was open). The lady of the house was literally passing by the open door as my fist rapped on the screen door. Her first words to me were a startled “OH!” I’m counting this is surprising someone.

11. Learn to juggle 4 things. YOU KNOW WHY – NOT DONE

12. Learn a song on the trumpet. YOU KNOW WHY AGAIN – NOT DONE

13. Spend zero dollars. DONE!

14. Look like fat Thor (DONE!)

15. No texting. I will be available to call or Skype or email. But I won’t be texting. (I’m texting back to say I’m not texting…so DONE! and kinda not)

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