You guys, I had zero time to do much today. Millie decided to dump what I can only describe as something “not consistent with normal poop” in her kennel this morning and it got pretty much everywhere. I spent a lot of time cleaning her up. After that I went into work.
Nike Plus doesn’t have a setting for “cleaning up dog shit”, which I think is pretty lame. Get your act together Nike, this is 2013, some people spend caloric energy cleaning dog shit. So that was then. This is now:
I’m cooking chicken breasts on the grill RIGHT NOW as I type this in order to get away from the same ole same ole food I’ve been eating. It’s probably even healthier than the stuff I’ve been putting in my body, which was healthier than the stuff I was putting in my body before, so you know…double healthier.
Before, I had basically gone from like doing a lot of heroin, to doing a little bit of meth…sure it’s a big improvement, but you’re still doing meth, amirite?
Time to pull those dead birds off the grill, brb.
I’m jumping around today. Oh well.
I worked until 4:30 today, got home at 4:45 after stopping to pick up a file cabinet for the comedy club, and I had to leave for the club at 5:15ish. Also, I had not written any jokes for the show like I was supposed to last night after I got done blogging. I promptly fell asleep instead. Yay, me!
The show was called “Career Ending Comedy“, where the object is to be as offensive as possible. With one comic out of the six of us getting cut each round until there is a winner.
Here were the categories:
Round one: Animal Sex. Each comic does 2 minutes on the topic of animal sex.
Round two: Catholic Priests. Each comic does 2 minutes on the topic of Catholic priests.
Round three: “Things not to say…” 1.) …at a strip club 2.) …with a gun in your hand 3.) …on an airplane 4.) …at a funeral
Round four: Most offensive one liner
Round five: A celebrity roast of Edward Snowden
So in 20 minutes I wrote my round one and round two, and a two out of the four of my round 3 jokes, thinking that’s where I’d get the ax anyway.
Turns out they changed the format and had us do ALL FIVE ROUNDS. So once again, YAY!
My animal sex stuff was alright, I did a bunch of stuff about the Thundercats having sex. My Catholic Priest stuff was good enough to win round 2. My round three stuff got some laughs even though I made two of them up on the spot.
Here’s where it gets interesting (well, for me anyway).
I sat down after round three knowing that I didn’t have anything to say for the “most offensive one liner”, something came to me, I wrote half of it down and was interrupted by the MC bringing me on stage to tell the joke.
I got a huge groan, followed by a big laugh.
Then the roast…holy goodness…the roast.
I just shot from the hip, making fun of the people in the audience and ending with some stupid joke about Edward Snowden causing anal leakage? Or something.
I did not win the competition, but I had a REALLY fun time.
I got home at 9:45 so no gym at all today, but at least I didn’t go crazy with the food:
I bought these at the grocery store:
Quick question Nature Valley:
WHAT THE SHIT….
That’s ONE BITE.
Ok that was after the whole bar and I might have exaggerated a little for the sake of comedy but my GOODNESS those things are flakier than a teenage girl committing to a date with a nerd.
1. Blog about it everyday: DONE
2. Wake up at 5 am on week days and 7am on weekends: I’m broken in this area, and I also realize it’s 11:00pm and I’m absolutely not getting up in 6 hours after such a long day. So tomorrow I will be going to the gym after work.
3. Must physically step foot into the YMCA and workout every morning before work (P90X doesn’t count): Boo this man.
4. Floss everyday (I just know I should do it more) DONE!!
5. Teach Millie to come to me. (she knows “sit”…and that’s all) DONE!
6. Do a Random Act Of Kindness (RAOK) everyday. I can honestly say that I didn’t do one today. I’m going to shoot for two tomorrow to make up 🙂
7. Say “yes” to something once a week that I would normally have said “no” to. 3/7 (number three is coming Thursday)
8. 5 Videos for Charity
9. Weigh 242 pounds or under at the end of the 50 days or donate 1,000 dollars to the KKK
10. Eat one meal that has vegetables in it every week. Which means I will ingest 7 more vegetables than I would have normally. 3/7
The add ons:
11. Nothing to drink other than water (no booze, pop, beer, OJ, milk, Crystal Light…NADA) DONE
12. Publish one new joke on Twitter every day. DONE (I wrote a TON of jokes tonight, none of them are going on Twitter because it’s really hard to explain in 140 characters that I was TRYING to be offensive.)
13. Only eat food that has been purchased at the grocery store and/or prepared by someone not paid to do so. DONE
14. Keep an accurate calorie count of all food every day. DONE
15. No spending money on anything other than necessities (example…bills, groceries, clothes are ok) DONE
16. Full abstinence (because any willpower month that doesn’t include not touching your dick is just silly) DONE
17. Wear the Nike Fuel band every day and hit 3,000 fuel points everyday DONE
18. Finally learn a damn song on the trumpet.