July 27th, 2016

Posted: July 27, 2016 in Uncategorized

It’s been 4 months and 5 days since I’ve posted about attempting to watch 366 movies that I’ve never seen before in the 2016 calendar year! How am I doing, you might wonder if you were the type of person to actually click on the Facebook link to this blog (or you are one of the like 3 holdovers from willpowerthru (looking at you Harbin77)…

I’m WELL, friends, and I’m straight up giving this challenge a run for it’s money. As of today, I’ve seen 195 movies that I’ve never seen before…and it’s the 207th day of the year. Considering it’s our busy season at work I’m feeling pretty good.

Here’s something: I cannot tell you how many times the run time of a movie 100% influences if I watch that movie or not. When you are doing a challenge like this, SURE, the goal is to see classics you’ve never seen before. Sure, old movies aren’t necessarily longer than current films:length

BUT, classic movies tend to be. Every time I sit down to watch a movie, I realize I’m behind on my count even by a few movies. That means I end up sitting through two movies like the llama from Twilight’s Tracers (1 hour, 34 minutes) and Sacha Baron Cohen’s worst movie by FAR The Brothers Grimsby (1 hour 23 minutes) rather than an actual classic like Seven Samurai (3 hours 28 minutes).

Not all classics are long. Twelve Angry Men (1 hour 36 minutes) and Godard’s Breathless (1 hour 27 minutes)  prove that, but rather than do the research at the end of a day at work I tend to just find something mindless that fits the bill. Now that I’m more than 1/2 way done with the challenge, I’ll be taking more care in selecting my 90 minute filler movies considering both of the films I just mentioned are available for 2.99 rental and for free online. That’s my bad and I’m a terrible person with herpes and I don’t think your newborn is cute.

Since last time, I do have a shift in the top ten and bottom ten of the films that I’ve seen this year. Here’s both:

Bottom 10 4 months ago and now:

Four months ago:

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.25.38 PM


Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 6.56.28 PM

I have to say, The Brother’s Grimsby


is quite possibly the worst attempt at comedy in the last 10 years at least. It’s 100% painful to watch. There is only one actual joke in the entire film that made me laugh. Here’s the trailer for the movie that you probably should not watch, but if you decide to do that that LAST joke of the trailer is the joke:


Remember, that was a trailer for a COMEDY. It’s cut well and it makes you think that it’s going to be a great movie…but if you were to watch it again and ask where the jokes really are….crickets.

Here’s the joke if you were smart enough not to watch it (the trailer OR the movie):

“I understand why you love guns so much. I mean, it completely detaches you from the guilt of your actions!”

Now, reading that quote without Sacha Baron Cohen saying it isn’t all that funny, so it REALLY fits in with the rest of this shit movie…BUT if you were to cut to 2:24 of that abortion of a movie’s trailer above…it’s actually funny in context…but don’t worry! The few remaining seconds of the trailer give you exactly the rest of that joke so you don’t ever need to see the movie FEATURING TWO TRAINED ACTORS CRAWLING INSIDE A FEMALE ELEPHANT’S VAGINA, A MALE ELEPHANT PUTTING HIS ELEPHANT DICK INSIDE THE FEMALE’S (WITH A CAMERA INSIDE) VAGINA SO YOU CAN SEE THE TWO LEAD ACTORS OF THE FILM GET COVERED WITH MALE ELEPHANT CUM.

It’s utterly atrocious.

Now for the good news!

Four month ago top 10:

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 7.40.07 PM

Today’s list:

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 6.56.48 PM

The biggest change here is a movie clearly no one took the time to see when it came out because it bombed hard…the trailer makes it look simply like a cameo filled throwaway movie…but the trailer shows literally none of the funniest scenes from this film which is an underrated GEM:


Another thing I’ve realized is that I rank every movie 1 to 366 as soon as I see them. I slide in the latest movie wherever I think it should go immediately after seeing it. I’m going to sit down and reorder things this weekend. The top and bottom 20 probably won’t change, but Christ…you tell me what’s better: Monster’s University, or Lawless? Bernie or Swiss Army Man? IT’S HARD!!

Here’s a few takeaways from this that might actually apply to you even if you don’t watch a lot of movies:

  1. If you say “I really like thrillers/horror films” and you haven’t seen M. Night Shyamalan’s The Visit because he’s fallen off lately. Fuck off. It’s absolutely amazing and a 100% return to form for him.
  2. You have kids and have run out of kids’ movies you will also enjoy to shove at them? The Boxtrolls, you’re welcome.
  3. You love the movie Scream and can’t believe they’re never had something similar since then? Final Girls
  4. Get the Gringo. You didn’t hear about it because Mel Gibson is weird, but if weird ass Tom Cruise starred in it, it would have done 100 million.
  5. Blue Ruin. As a dude that loves revenge movies, this isn’t John Wick…it’s a slow burn/realistic tale of what you might do if everything was taken from you. It’s perfect.

I will end this post with movies I have stumbled upon during this challenge that I think are absolutely worth seeing but if you don’t watch a lot of movies you might want to steer clear, these would be for the people that normally watch a couple films a week and are up on what’s going on but maybe just missed these films because, you know, you AREN’T WATCHING A MOVIE A DAY FOR A YEAR:

  1. Tangerine
  2. Dope
  3. Green Room
  4. Bone Tomahawk
  5. The Guard
  6. Director’s Cut (this isn’t out yet for rent)

That’s it for now. I have a whole ‘nother idea for my next blog based on a “shit remake” that actually was a great prequel because people just don’t pay attention. I’m going to try to write that next week. In the meantime, check out Go Flix Yourself to hear me and my buddy Brad talk movies and quiz our friends a la Doug Loves Movies.



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