Posts Tagged ‘i hate vegans’

Today at the fair I ate a peanut butter/banana/jelly sandwich. Then I got pissed that I wasn’t eating any fair food. So I went on a long search for vegan fair food:

county fair midway

The least amount of obese people in a photo of a county fair in the history of the world.

I searched up and down the midway and asked a bunch of questions. The batter of everything has either eggs, lard, or milk. I mean EVERYTHING. I even asked the pizza guy if he could make a pizza sans cheese and meat, just veggies and pizza sauce. He told me there was cheese in the dough. IN THE DOUGH. Jesus.

After 20 minutes of scrounging around and not settling for water and bread…I struck GOLD:

corn and mashed potatoes in a styrofoam cup

I ordered a side of corn and a side of mashed potatoes with no butter and no gravy. Yay, small victories! I made the decision that I wanted to try to be more of a vegan and focus on things I could eat rather than things I couldn’t eat (thanks Robin), so as my fortunes would have it as I was leaving the fair I ran into my friends Andy and Alisha and they let me know that the OTHER grocery store in town had a whole vegan section with fake everything! I have to admit I got a little excited, hey, after 80 hours of nothing but nuts/fruit/bread you would be too! We also talked about going to Mucho Mas!, the best place only place in town for awesome vegan burritos. I was going to try to eat two of them.

I got home from the grocery store and promptly left to go to Mucho to snag those two burritos. I forgot my keys in my house. I had locked my house. Mucho closes at 8, and with the keys being locked in the house, I kinda didn’t get there in time. Just know this. Tomorrow, Mucho Mas!, I’m coming for you. It’s not going to be pretty. I’m going to destroy two vegan burritos. Why? Because I honestly doubt one burrito filled with vegan food could fill up a 14 year old body image obsessed cheer-leading squad captain, let alone a 255 pound man on a mission. Tonight it was simply not meant to be.

Thankfully I had this to fall back on:

assorted vegan food in packages

If you notice at the top-center there is some dog food under the Smart Ground. I bet you it has less sodium than everything labeled “Smart”.

Really though, that shit is INSANELY sodium packed. How smart is it to load up everything with salt? (see what I did there?)

I’m not even going to look up any sort of comparison, but between real turkey and “Smart” turkey, there has got to be 1/2 the sodium in real turkey. Also soy doesn’t go, “Gobble, gobble”. So that’s something to consider too. I’m very scientific.

Thankfully everything in that picture tastes so amazing that I don’t think I’ll ever go back to eating meat. Wait, is today bizarro Wednesday where everything I say is a bold faced lie? It’s NOT? Well holy shit, that must mean that pretty much everything on that table tastes like pony shit.

I say pretty much everything because of this:

I was not looking forward to this soy/wheat/non-dairy “ice-cream”. I was kick your mom in the face wrong about it. Allow me to scientifically explain it:

Just sit back and look at that picture and think about if you’ve ever seen such a majestic beast in such a befitting setting. Now try to think if there was a taste that could sum up how that picture makes you feel. That’s what I tasted, friends. That’s what I tasted.

It was delightful.

I feel like a human being tonight after eating a few bites of that “ice-cream”

Tangent:

There are a few people that have asked me if I’ve kept up with anything from the June Stupidity. Here are a few things about that:

  1. I drink SO much water everyday. Drinking anything else makes me want to finish a water directly after.

That’s it.

Ok ok that’s not it but that would be kind of funny if it was. I still volunteer every week at the animal shelter (I can’t this week due to the fair, but I’ll be back at it next week). I miss riding my bike, I’ll be doing that a lot more I have a feeling. I still workout as much as I can. I don’t really even think about fast food any more. I’ve watched more porn in the last week than you have in your whole life. I keep going back to biting my damn fingernails, although I do stop when I catch myself. I still look for random nice things to do for people, just as long as they don’t cost me money. I didn’t sleep in very much this last weekend and I don’t think I will next weekend either…June…WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!

Thanks for reading as always…here’s a little treat from me to you. Go to Google Images and just type in “Spiderman meme”.

They are fantastic: