Posts Tagged ‘sausage’

I’m going to start tonight with a great, like, feel good story about America. Who the f*ck doesn’t like a great feel good story about America, besides Hitler?

F*ck Hitler.

I don’t know if you saw this or how prevalent it was on the television (i don’t have cable, don’t give me that look).

Evidently this is a thing that happened and now I’m going to file the paperwork to be Jamaican:

Seriously, the reason why I give two shits about this, is that that dude isn’t American. He just noticed that another country was being honored and he thought to himself “oh hey, why don’t I not be selfish for a second” Good for you dude. I don’t give a shit if you did it because you knew the cameras were looking or not. You did it. Good for you.


Continuing on this weird American trip, I was in the truck with Charlie today and we were listening to the terrible local AM radio. I heard the following exchange, I’m paraphrasing as usual, but this is pretty accurate:

When I was a child, we recited Bible passages in school. Then there was this atheist mother who didn’t like that her child was made to read Bible passages, and so she sued the school so that her child didn’t have to recite Bible passages in school. And She Won! To me, that’s like when one person gets pulled over on the highway for speeding, every car on the highway at that time has to pull over, even though they weren’t speeding. We all have to pay for one person’s decision.

If you just read that paragraph, and you agree with that sentiment, it’s been a good ride for you and I. Seriously, we’ve had some laughs. Right now though, you need to take two big steps back, and literally try to fuck your own face. Then go cover yourself in gasoline and light a fucking candle. You’ll notice I didn’t censor the word fuck. I don’t normally make that big of a deal about anything, and I always censor the word fuck, because you should only use the word fuck when you really want to fucking draw attention to something.  I may have JUST fucking said I would never make this a political statement blog or whatever, but COME ON. FUCK that. I don’t know if you’ve ever read any history about this country, or what we’re all about, but it was founded because some people really didn’t want to be persecuted based on their religion. Now you are saying that you have a problem with someone who doesn’t want to be forced to believe what you believe? Holy fucking shit. That took less time than I thought it would take. (full disclosure I thought it would take 3 billion, trillion years).

Ok I’m back to censoring the word F*ck. I’ll still capitalize it, though. It’s pretty important.


I want to say that I feel like people lack perspective. People stub a toe and complain to a person that had their leg amputated last week. It’s the way of the world for some reason. I actively try to live my life with full perspective. I like to think that I actually have perspective. I still fail at it. I wish I had perspective. I don’t. Here’s why:

Our accounting software took a shit at work. It makes it impossible to do what I/we need to do on a daily basis. Its in the process of being fixed. It doesn’t stop anyone from getting their gutter job done, it just makes it next to impossible for me to do my job on time. Also, our email stopped working 2 weeks ago and for whatever reason, it’s still not up and running. Also, our estimator is leaving us after 20 years on the job and I’m supposed to step into that role right off the bat. I will say for the first time in a very very very very long time, I actually feel stress. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, I get all amped up for no reason at weird times, I freak out over next to nothing. I get pissy. I feel shitty. I talk shit about people that meek out a living on AM radio (see above if you were too stupid to follow along tonight). SEE? I just did it. Shit.

Anyway. The problem with everything I’ve said tonight is that instead of being a good person that is full of will power, I did everything I was supposed to do and then I drank some booze. Then I ordered a pizza. Even though I did what I was supposed to do for the day, I lapsed enormously in judgement. It all got to me. The whole stupid paragraph above, I let it get to me. I can’t hang with the big boys of willpower. I don’t have what it takes to abstain from feeling bad…on top of all of that, I ordered a stuffed crust pizza with pepperoni and sausage to be delivered to my house so that I could mouth rape it.

Then I thought about it.

Then this happened:

So it turns out I have barely enough willpower to waste money.

Yay! wait……..shit.

Also Charlie (the guy that’s teaching me the finer points of estimating for the fambiz)’s wife put this together for me. She said that basically I’m the stupid kid of the guy that owns the company, trying to sell shit under the nerdy tutelage of the guy that has no personality, but all of the answers (at least those were her words in my head):

I think it’s pretty accurate, and it also made me laugh after what I perceive to be a tough day, even though there’s some kid out there with cancer right now calling me a pussy, and rightfully so. Sorry kid with cancer, my bad.