Posts Tagged ‘transitional statements’

That’s me after today. I’m pretty sure Saturday killed me on the inside. This stuff is really starting to dig in. 20 things to remember every day to do is asking a LOT of my brain. I thought it might be fun to show you a medical cross section of my brain. If you thought the time-lapse video of me tearing up some carpet was rather involved, this is about to blow your mind! Special thanks to my back alley MRI hookup for this amazing imagery you are about to behold:

Science

Unfortunately for me, I still jog.  Even though you can clearly see in the above 100% accurate cross-section of my cerebral jiggywiggit, I am opposed to jogging. Some men just like to fight the power. I am that men.

On the weird side of things I didn’t go for a morning jog, and I wasn’t on time for work. SLOW DOWN Judgey McBetterthanme, before you lay waste to me in the comments for breaking a tenant of my June religion: I DID jog. Just not in the AM. I did it after work because the gentlemen came to refinish my floor this morning before 8am. That is also why I was not at work at 8am.This was a reasonable excuse in my book for not being on time to work, and papa bear boss man Timmy Tim Tim said it was O.K. too. So nehhh!

nehhh is that thing where you stick out your tongue and go “Nehhh!”

like this

I made up the jog and I’m not looking to make it an afternoon jog from here on out. Don’t worry, I still plan on torturing myself every morning. My hatred of jogging is getting so bad that the sound of birds chirping in the morning makes me want to rent a gun and buy a bullet.

I’ve realized that I’m super shitty at transitional statements so I might just start leaving them out.

The true test to see if my fingernails are getting longer is twofold:

1. Am I in danger of making my nose bleed if/when I pick it? ok…it’s more like when.

2. Can I open a can of food for Larry the dog without using a utensil to dig the little metal ring on the can up?

That thing

My nose hasn’t bled yet, but I can open Larry’s food no problem. SUCCESS!

Random act of kindness today. I was walking outside of the Y after Noon Hoops today and I saw a woman yelling at her kid. I’m sure the little bastard deserved it, and she was about to spank him on the bottom when I called out to her and asked her where the post office was. I know I’m an idiot, however I do know where the post office in my hometown is. I just thought that I could distract the lady so maybe the kid’s booty would get a reprieve for the time being. The kid looked up at me with that “oh thank the good Lord and the Wiggles that this dude said something”. Just kidding. The kid didn’t look at me at all. How great would that story have been though?

Bottom line is his bottom didn’t get a line. See what I did there? It’s a bit of a stretch, but I think I pulled it off.

I ALSO bought tickets for myself and 5 friends to go see the Dark Knight Rises. Tickets became available today for the midnight showing on July 19th. CAN. NOT. WAIT.

Looking out for random acts of kindness to do is hard. My friend Cary has been blogging about his for a LONG time now. I didn’t think it would be that hard to do. I challenge you to try it tomorrow. Try it one day. See if you can go out there and actually commit a felony random act of kindness. I bet you it’s harder than you think. Check out Cary’s blog here: BLOGGGGG!!!

Now let’s take time out for some more viewer mail. This one comes to us from little Michelle in Valdosta, Georgia. And she writes:

_________________________________________________________________

Dearest Benjamin,

Don’t you feel amazing getting all that blood and those endorphins pumping? [from jogging]

XOXO,

Michelle

_________________________________________________________________

Poor Misinformed Michelle,

My endorphins have all been caught up in entuna nets and have all died. They made a movie about it called “The Cove”. Netflix it. I would for you but, well you know. No Netflix.

OXOX,

Bennyandthejets

_________________________________________________________________

I ran out of the following for my green blend today: Spinach, Kale, Kiwi.

I replaced that stuff with a cucumber.

That was a mistake.

That’s not very green. Back to tasting like Nick Nolte looks. Awesome job, Ben, ya big dummy. Yes, I drank the whole thing.

How long is a month again? Is it 9 days? I feel like it should be 9 days.

Let’s end with a tangent. But before we do…can I get a juggling update? Are you going with the 3 ball cascade…or the 2 ball, one hand move? I used to go with the 2 ball, one ha…..you know what? That’s low-brow. I’m not doing that joke.

Tangent time: I saw Prometheus tonight. I really enjoyed it. I think I enjoyed it more than normal because I’m not watching any television. It’s like if you don’t eat any steak for a month and then you have a nice, thick, juicy Ribeye. It was probably going to be good anyway, but it was REALLY f*cking good. Unless you’re vegetarian, in that case you probably wouldn’t like Prometheus. Wait, what were we talking about? You know, sometimes you make really confusing statements.

So that’s day eight, everything is still really f*cking hard. Also, I think it’s getting harder rather than easier.

Recap:

  1. Keeping a blog of my shenanigans and updating it daily. Duh. (SUCCESS)
  2. Waking up every day before 8am. This includes Saturdays and Sundays (SUCCESS) Yeah, I’m surprised too.
  3. Go for a jog every morning. (SUCCESS) ALTHOUGH it was afternoon I still went…so this one gets a half.
  4. Do a “Green Blend” every morning. (SUCCESS) although it was not morning, it was like 4pm
  5. Do not cut my hair or shave for the month (this is one of my friends just being a dick). (SUCCESS)
  6. Use the term “ma lady” (including the hand gesture) once a day. (SUCCESS) Outside the YMCA is not a good place for this, I’ve decided.
  7. No television other than the NBA Playoffs. (SUCCESS) Thunder/Heat…I’m taking the Thunder in 6
  8. Nothing other than water to drink (INCLUDING no alcohol). (SUCCESS)
  9. Full abstinence including “self” pleasure. (SUCCESS) It’s getting harder. Get it?
  10. No logging onto Facebook. (SUCCESS)
  11. Complete one project around the house every week. (2 of 4 SUCCESS)
  12. Volunteer two times somewhere. (PENDING)
  13. Read one book every week. (1 of 4 SUCCESS)
  14. Say something positive into the mirror about myself every morning. (SUCCESS)
  15. Do one random act of kindness a every day. (SUCCESS)
  16. Do one workout besides the morning jog every day (SUCCESS) My ass still hurts.
  17. No biting the fingernails. (SUCCESS) I’m catching myself doing it less and less…so that’s good.
  18. Make every meal that I eat, with one “cheat” meal per week. (SUCCESS)
  19. Text msg 5 people every day and share a compliment/oddity/or fun fact. (SUCCESS)